happy mother's day

i was in my bereavement clinic this week and was seeing a couple who had lost 2 babies in 2 years.
dad is coping fairly well, better than his wife because he feels that going to work and keeping busy helps.
mom (and dad) agrees that it is more difficult for her to cope because she mostly stays at home and when their other children (they have 3 older ones) are at school she will be alone. and because she is the mother. with the support of the husband, she is taking up sewing and knitting classes just to occupy time. i asked what else can she do at home and she told me "i dont know, not much. i try to watch tv but these few weeks have been especially hard because there are so many shows and ads about mother's day.....".
i immediately agreed with her on that.

tomorrow is mother's day.
today marks the 9th month of mama's passing.
life goes on,, the crying has lessened a bit, but i still dreaded her birthday, the coming ramadhan &  syawal, the date Aug 9th .. because i knew i will be missing her more on these occasions. for some reason i had sorta forgotten about mother's day until i first saw about it on tv a few weeks ago. so i guess you can say i was a bit taken aback, makes me miss her even more and made the tears appear again.
even when she was alive the mother's day shows and ads on tv can make me emotional, but back then i could just call her right away, tell her i miss her, love her.. or if i am in town, celebrate the day with her with our family, a special lunch or dinner.
this year onwards, we can no longer do that.

my sister called me the other day, crying as she heard a mother's day ad on the radio as she was driving (read:stuck in an awful jam) to work.
so it's not just me.. it's difficult for all of us.

the bereavement continues on.
we love you mama. alfatihah.

last year we celebrated mother's day and our dad's bday together. here they were with the 3 grandkids. i almost missed it because i was at a wedding. so glad hubby & me still tried our best and drove all the way to join the dinner. who knew it was the last time we were able to celebrate mother's day with our dearest mama. 

what i wish i could've wished for on my 40th birthday

1.1.2015.
new year's day.
my favourite holiday (not a public holiday in a few states in malaysia, including the one i am working in, buuuuut let's not get into that)
my birthday! (ONE reason why it is my favourite holiday).

i am now 40 years old. yikes!

actually, wow. i am 40. i have reached a milestone. THE milestone.

when i was 10, i probably never even imagined how or what i was going to be at 40. my own parents hadnt even reach 40 at the time. so anyone at 40 was just old.

when i was 20 i probably did imagine myself at 40, wishing that by then, i would become a successful doctor, with my own huge house with its own swimming pool, a really cool car, married with 3 kids. maybe, i dont really remember.

when i was 30, i do remember having a good time, enjoying life, dating, but not seriously thinking about marriage, and still wishing that at least in 10 years time, i would become a specialist, maybe a kid, a loving cat or two at least, a house, a cool car.

then when i turned 35, i decided to celebrate my birthday for the last time. not too confident about becoming or getting all of the above anymore. i stopped wishing for anything. i felt that there was no way i could get all that by the time i become 40, which was just 5 years then down the line. it seemed quite impossible. so i treated a few of my closest girlfriends to a small makan2 at a nice place in KL and told them i was doing this because this was the last time i was actually celebrating my birthday. anything above 35 already appeared depressing.

and i told myself to stop counting. stop thinking about turning 40.

but here i am, 40. yup, just a number. you dont need to be counting, but inevitably, you still age. everyone does. you have to face it.

i am now married. i have a lovely husband. i have 2 stepkids, although i dont get to see them very often because they are not staying with us. no cats yet. i bought a small apartment in KL, there's a pool in the courtyard, but since i am working away from KL, i'm staying at a rented place instead for now. my car is a small one, but it's still cool enough. keyword: affordable.

and yet the one thing i find myself wishing for on my birthday this year was something i never thought i would be wishing for at the "young" age of 40.
for my mama to still be here.
so i could actually talk to her about aging.
so i could whine to her about the growing numbers of grey hairs on my head, and the wrinkles appearing on my face, and how (depressingly) difficult it is to lose weight at this age (blame the low metabolic rate).
so i could make nasi ayam with her for my birthday, because her nasi ayam was the best.
so i could share with her all the corny 4-series jokes and hear her laugh.
and teased her about how she was in labor with me for 2 years (1974-1975, get it? ha-ha)
and most importantly, so i could hug and kiss her, and thank her, for giving birth to me, and loving me the way she had all these years.

if only i could wish that.
but that is obviously impossible.

so all i can do now is send her a prayer everytime i think of her.
which is still very often.

mama

last entry here was more than a year ago. looks like this is becoming an annual thing only now for me. sadly.
i blame FB and IG. maybe updating my status there, although not really very often, was often enough that i didnt feel like i needed to blog anymore.
until now.

16th Sept is Malaysia Day.
it is also my mama's birthday. it would've been her 64th this year.
but instead it will mark the 39th day of her passing.
how i miss her.
how we all miss her.

she has been battling a recurrence of her breast cancer, which, just about 6 weeks before her passing, we found out had already metastasized to her lungs and bones. when she got bilateral pleural effusion (fluid in her lungs) and was admitted to the hospital during ramadhan, i feared that that was it. that she might not make it to raya.
but she did. she was discharged from hospital after 10 days of being admitted there, just a few days before raya. i was fortunate to get a whole week off for raya this year, and even though it is supposed to be muar this year for me and hubby (his hometown), his mom and him decided that we spend raya at my parents' in KL first instead. both of us were glad we did. it was a very meaningful  raya for us. it was the 1st time all 3 of us siblings were around to raya in KL with our parents.
it was also the last raya we'll ever celebrate with our beloved mama.
she passed away on 13th Syawal, the 9th of August.

i thought i was ready.
i stayed with her in the hospital the night before she passed, kissing her face, her hands, stroke her hair, recited verses from the holy Quran for her as she became more unconscious.
in between that i even googled about the muslim preparations for  burial, the washing, the shrouding.
but no matter how ready i thought i was.. i was so shaken and couldnt stop my tears when we were told she was really gone.
having been familiar with the hospital and the things needed done after a patient dies in the ward, and also being the eldest, i imagined that i would be the one taking charge of things. calling people to inform, getting all the documents settled, etc etc etc.
but no.
my dad and my siblings took care of all that.
hubby had to pull me aside.. away from everyone, into a deserted area in the ward, where all i could do was sob uncontrollably in his arms.

mama was not only my mother. she was my best friend for 39 years.
we were apart for quite awhile when i was growing up. i went to boarding school at 13, and before i completed secondary school, she went overseas to work, with my dad and my younger brother. for 13 years after that we never get to spend raya together, and only saw each other at about once a year. but however faraway we were from each other, i always felt that we still remained close.
i could tell her anything. and i did. and i really miss that. just talking to her about things.
i could hangout with her. i like hanging out with friends of course, but i loved going out with her too. after she retired and was back in malaysia for good, even going to the pasar malam near our house in KL was something i would really look forward to. it's on once a week at midweek, so being away from KL, i dont get to go very often, and when i did, it was always with her (and also that's where i did most of my tudung shopping- and she was the best shopping partner ever).
we both love cooking shows, and she knew almost all the chefs on the food network channel. she had a couple of favourites, and she talked about them like they were her friends. ("oh Ina said we should cook it this way not this way.."she would claim. and we'll be like "Aina who-?", and she'll be like "alah..I-na.. Ina Garten kat food network tu..').
watching food network will never be the same again.

God, i miss her. i miss her laughter (wide smile showing her teeth, not much sound, but very often she laughed with tears in her eyes).

God, i really feel like i havent spent enough time in this world with her yet. but i know. that however much i love her, God loves her more.
and that makes me feel a bit better. that God, the ever merciful, the ever generous, had lent her to us in this world. so we could love her, and always feel loved by her. this great woman. our supermama.
and now i continue to pray for her. that she is happy and safe where she is now. and hope i will get to see her again in the gardens of Jannah.
ameen.

                                                    i love u mama.
                                                    al-Fatihah.