Wednesday, September 10, 2014


last entry here was more than a year ago. looks like this is becoming an annual thing only now for me. sadly.
i blame FB and IG. maybe updating my status there, although not really very often, was often enough that i didnt feel like i needed to blog anymore.
until now.

16th Sept is Malaysia Day.
it is also my mama's birthday. it would've been her 64th this year.
but instead it will mark the 39th day of her passing.
how i miss her.
how we all miss her.

she has been battling a recurrence of her breast cancer, which, just about 6 weeks before her passing, we found out had already metastasized to her lungs and bones. when she got bilateral pleural effusion (fluid in her lungs) and was admitted to the hospital during ramadhan, i feared that that was it. that she might not make it to raya.
but she did. she was discharged from hospital after 10 days of being admitted there, just a few days before raya. i was fortunate to get a whole week off for raya this year, and even though it is supposed to be muar this year for me and hubby (his hometown), his mom and him decided that we spend raya at my parents' in KL first instead. both of us were glad we did. it was a very meaningful  raya for us. it was the 1st time all 3 of us siblings were around to raya in KL with our parents.
it was also the last raya we'll ever celebrate with our beloved mama.
she passed away on 13th Syawal, the 9th of August.

i thought i was ready.
i stayed with her in the hospital the night before she passed, kissing her face, her hands, stroke her hair, recited verses from the holy Quran for her as she became more unconscious.
in between that i even googled about the muslim preparations for  burial, the washing, the shrouding.
but no matter how ready i thought i was.. i was so shaken and couldnt stop my tears when we were told she was really gone.
having been familiar with the hospital and the things needed done after a patient dies in the ward, and also being the eldest, i imagined that i would be the one taking charge of things. calling people to inform, getting all the documents settled, etc etc etc.
but no.
my dad and my siblings took care of all that.
hubby had to pull me aside.. away from everyone, into a deserted area in the ward, where all i could do was sob uncontrollably in his arms.

mama was not only my mother. she was my best friend for 39 years.
we were apart for quite awhile when i was growing up. i went to boarding school at 13, and before i completed secondary school, she went overseas to work, with my dad and my younger brother. for 13 years after that we never get to spend raya together, and only saw each other at about once a year. but however faraway we were from each other, i always felt that we still remained close.
i could tell her anything. and i did. and i really miss that. just talking to her about things.
i could hangout with her. i like hanging out with friends of course, but i loved going out with her too. after she retired and was back in malaysia for good, even going to the pasar malam near our house in KL was something i would really look forward to. it's on once a week at midweek, so being away from KL, i dont get to go very often, and when i did, it was always with her (and also that's where i did most of my tudung shopping- and she was the best shopping partner ever).
we both love cooking shows, and she knew almost all the chefs on the food network channel. she had a couple of favourites, and she talked about them like they were her friends. ("oh Ina said we should cook it this way not this way.."she would claim. and we'll be like "Aina who-?", and she'll be like "alah..I-na.. Ina Garten kat food network tu..').
watching food network will never be the same again.

God, i miss her. i miss her laughter (wide smile showing her teeth, not much sound, but very often she laughed with tears in her eyes).

God, i really feel like i havent spent enough time in this world with her yet. but i know. that however much i love her, God loves her more.
and that makes me feel a bit better. that God, the ever merciful, the ever generous, had lent her to us in this world. so we could love her, and always feel loved by her. this great woman. our supermama.
and now i continue to pray for her. that she is happy and safe where she is now. and hope i will get to see her again in the gardens of Jannah.
                                                    i love u mama.