Dear God, it's me.
Dear me, it's you.
Dear love, hug me.
Dear evil, go away.
Dear anger, don't slay.
Dear sabr, do stay.
Dear madness, don't be weird.
Dear joy, come play.
Dear grief, don't overwhelm.
Dear sadness, don't cry.
Dear happiness, be content.
Dear trust, don't lie.
Dear insof, don't abandon me.
Dear will, don't give up.
Dear doubts, don't bother me.
Dear riches, don't beg.
Dear time, thank you.
Dear past, no regrets.
Dear present, let me learn.
Dear future, may you be bright.
Dear life, be kind, will you?
Dear death, be gentle too.
Dear you, it's me.
Dear me, I love you.
Showing posts with label que sera sera... Show all posts
Showing posts with label que sera sera... Show all posts
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
baby news
no. i'm not pregnant or having a baby.
i don't mean MY baby news.
eva & ryan. on their 2nd.
blake & ryan. on their 2nd.
megan & brian. on their 3rd. and they are supposedly divorced!
chrissy & john just got one.
and to top it all off, E news was also showing awesome celebrities who got preggers after they turned 40.
so yeah, their baby news.
i put this up as my FB status after i saw the E!news show.
hastagged it maybe i should stop following E news and watch real news instead.
and that maybe i'm jelly. u know, the slang for jealous? (just learned it).
so on to local news.
the maid we hired to help my mom-in-law can't come back to work for us anymore because she is now pregnant.
with twins.
bah!
forget the news.
ps: bah? who says bah anymore? that's like from the days of reading Archie.
GAH! I want!!
i don't mean MY baby news.
eva & ryan. on their 2nd.
blake & ryan. on their 2nd.
megan & brian. on their 3rd. and they are supposedly divorced!
chrissy & john just got one.
and to top it all off, E news was also showing awesome celebrities who got preggers after they turned 40.
so yeah, their baby news.
i put this up as my FB status after i saw the E!news show.
hastagged it maybe i should stop following E news and watch real news instead.
and that maybe i'm jelly. u know, the slang for jealous? (just learned it).
so on to local news.
the maid we hired to help my mom-in-law can't come back to work for us anymore because she is now pregnant.
with twins.
bah!
forget the news.
ps: bah? who says bah anymore? that's like from the days of reading Archie.
GAH! I want!!
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
what i wish i could've wished for on my 40th birthday
1.1.2015.
new year's day.
my favourite holiday (not a public holiday in a few states in malaysia, including the one i am working in, buuuuut let's not get into that)
my birthday! (ONE reason why it is my favourite holiday).
i am now 40 years old. yikes!
actually, wow. i am 40. i have reached a milestone. THE milestone.
when i was 10, i probably never even imagined how or what i was going to be at 40. my own parents hadnt even reach 40 at the time. so anyone at 40 was just old.
when i was 20 i probably did imagine myself at 40, wishing that by then, i would become a successful doctor, with my own huge house with its own swimming pool, a really cool car, married with 3 kids. maybe, i dont really remember.
when i was 30, i do remember having a good time, enjoying life, dating, but not seriously thinking about marriage, and still wishing that at least in 10 years time, i would become a specialist, maybe a kid, a loving cat or two at least, a house, a cool car.
then when i turned 35, i decided to celebrate my birthday for the last time. not too confident about becoming or getting all of the above anymore. i stopped wishing for anything. i felt that there was no way i could get all that by the time i become 40, which was just 5 years then down the line. it seemed quite impossible. so i treated a few of my closest girlfriends to a small makan2 at a nice place in KL and told them i was doing this because this was the last time i was actually celebrating my birthday. anything above 35 already appeared depressing.
and i told myself to stop counting. stop thinking about turning 40.
but here i am, 40. yup, just a number. you dont need to be counting, but inevitably, you still age. everyone does. you have to face it.
i am now married. i have a lovely husband. i have 2 stepkids, although i dont get to see them very often because they are not staying with us. no cats yet. i bought a small apartment in KL, there's a pool in the courtyard, but since i am working away from KL, i'm staying at a rented place instead for now. my car is a small one, but it's still cool enough. keyword: affordable.
and yet the one thing i find myself wishing for on my birthday this year was something i never thought i would be wishing for at the "young" age of 40.
for my mama to still be here.
so i could actually talk to her about aging.
so i could whine to her about the growing numbers of grey hairs on my head, and the wrinkles appearing on my face, and how (depressingly) difficult it is to lose weight at this age (blame the low metabolic rate).
so i could make nasi ayam with her for my birthday, because her nasi ayam was the best.
so i could share with her all the corny 4-series jokes and hear her laugh.
and teased her about how she was in labor with me for 2 years (1974-1975, get it? ha-ha)
and most importantly, so i could hug and kiss her, and thank her, for giving birth to me, and loving me the way she had all these years.
if only i could wish that.
but that is obviously impossible.
so all i can do now is send her a prayer everytime i think of her.
which is still very often.
new year's day.
my favourite holiday (not a public holiday in a few states in malaysia, including the one i am working in, buuuuut let's not get into that)
my birthday! (ONE reason why it is my favourite holiday).
i am now 40 years old. yikes!
actually, wow. i am 40. i have reached a milestone. THE milestone.
when i was 10, i probably never even imagined how or what i was going to be at 40. my own parents hadnt even reach 40 at the time. so anyone at 40 was just old.
when i was 20 i probably did imagine myself at 40, wishing that by then, i would become a successful doctor, with my own huge house with its own swimming pool, a really cool car, married with 3 kids. maybe, i dont really remember.
when i was 30, i do remember having a good time, enjoying life, dating, but not seriously thinking about marriage, and still wishing that at least in 10 years time, i would become a specialist, maybe a kid, a loving cat or two at least, a house, a cool car.
then when i turned 35, i decided to celebrate my birthday for the last time. not too confident about becoming or getting all of the above anymore. i stopped wishing for anything. i felt that there was no way i could get all that by the time i become 40, which was just 5 years then down the line. it seemed quite impossible. so i treated a few of my closest girlfriends to a small makan2 at a nice place in KL and told them i was doing this because this was the last time i was actually celebrating my birthday. anything above 35 already appeared depressing.
and i told myself to stop counting. stop thinking about turning 40.
but here i am, 40. yup, just a number. you dont need to be counting, but inevitably, you still age. everyone does. you have to face it.
i am now married. i have a lovely husband. i have 2 stepkids, although i dont get to see them very often because they are not staying with us. no cats yet. i bought a small apartment in KL, there's a pool in the courtyard, but since i am working away from KL, i'm staying at a rented place instead for now. my car is a small one, but it's still cool enough. keyword: affordable.
and yet the one thing i find myself wishing for on my birthday this year was something i never thought i would be wishing for at the "young" age of 40.
for my mama to still be here.
so i could actually talk to her about aging.
so i could whine to her about the growing numbers of grey hairs on my head, and the wrinkles appearing on my face, and how (depressingly) difficult it is to lose weight at this age (blame the low metabolic rate).
so i could make nasi ayam with her for my birthday, because her nasi ayam was the best.
so i could share with her all the corny 4-series jokes and hear her laugh.
and teased her about how she was in labor with me for 2 years (1974-1975, get it? ha-ha)
and most importantly, so i could hug and kiss her, and thank her, for giving birth to me, and loving me the way she had all these years.
if only i could wish that.
but that is obviously impossible.
so all i can do now is send her a prayer everytime i think of her.
which is still very often.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
mama
last entry here was more than a year ago. looks like this is becoming an annual thing only now for me. sadly.
i blame FB and IG. maybe updating my status there, although not really very often, was often enough that i didnt feel like i needed to blog anymore.
until now.
16th Sept is Malaysia Day.
it is also my mama's birthday. it would've been her 64th this year.
but instead it will mark the 39th day of her passing.
how i miss her.
how we all miss her.
she has been battling a recurrence of her breast cancer, which, just about 6 weeks before her passing, we found out had already metastasized to her lungs and bones. when she got bilateral pleural effusion (fluid in her lungs) and was admitted to the hospital during ramadhan, i feared that that was it. that she might not make it to raya.
but she did. she was discharged from hospital after 10 days of being admitted there, just a few days before raya. i was fortunate to get a whole week off for raya this year, and even though it is supposed to be muar this year for me and hubby (his hometown), his mom and him decided that we spend raya at my parents' in KL first instead. both of us were glad we did. it was a very meaningful raya for us. it was the 1st time all 3 of us siblings were around to raya in KL with our parents.
it was also the last raya we'll ever celebrate with our beloved mama.
she passed away on 13th Syawal, the 9th of August.
i thought i was ready.
i stayed with her in the hospital the night before she passed, kissing her face, her hands, stroke her hair, recited verses from the holy Quran for her as she became more unconscious.
in between that i even googled about the muslim preparations for burial, the washing, the shrouding.
but no matter how ready i thought i was.. i was so shaken and couldnt stop my tears when we were told she was really gone.
having been familiar with the hospital and the things needed done after a patient dies in the ward, and also being the eldest, i imagined that i would be the one taking charge of things. calling people to inform, getting all the documents settled, etc etc etc.
but no.
my dad and my siblings took care of all that.
hubby had to pull me aside.. away from everyone, into a deserted area in the ward, where all i could do was sob uncontrollably in his arms.
mama was not only my mother. she was my best friend for 39 years.
we were apart for quite awhile when i was growing up. i went to boarding school at 13, and before i completed secondary school, she went overseas to work, with my dad and my younger brother. for 13 years after that we never get to spend raya together, and only saw each other at about once a year. but however faraway we were from each other, i always felt that we still remained close.
i could tell her anything. and i did. and i really miss that. just talking to her about things.
i could hangout with her. i like hanging out with friends of course, but i loved going out with her too. after she retired and was back in malaysia for good, even going to the pasar malam near our house in KL was something i would really look forward to. it's on once a week at midweek, so being away from KL, i dont get to go very often, and when i did, it was always with her (and also that's where i did most of my tudung shopping- and she was the best shopping partner ever).
we both love cooking shows, and she knew almost all the chefs on the food network channel. she had a couple of favourites, and she talked about them like they were her friends. ("oh Ina said we should cook it this way not this way.."she would claim. and we'll be like "Aina who-?", and she'll be like "alah..I-na.. Ina Garten kat food network tu..').
watching food network will never be the same again.
God, i miss her. i miss her laughter (wide smile showing her teeth, not much sound, but very often she laughed with tears in her eyes).
God, i really feel like i havent spent enough time in this world with her yet. but i know. that however much i love her, God loves her more.
and that makes me feel a bit better. that God, the ever merciful, the ever generous, had lent her to us in this world. so we could love her, and always feel loved by her. this great woman. our supermama.
and now i continue to pray for her. that she is happy and safe where she is now. and hope i will get to see her again in the gardens of Jannah.
ameen.
i love u mama.
al-Fatihah.
i blame FB and IG. maybe updating my status there, although not really very often, was often enough that i didnt feel like i needed to blog anymore.
until now.
16th Sept is Malaysia Day.
it is also my mama's birthday. it would've been her 64th this year.
but instead it will mark the 39th day of her passing.
how i miss her.
how we all miss her.
she has been battling a recurrence of her breast cancer, which, just about 6 weeks before her passing, we found out had already metastasized to her lungs and bones. when she got bilateral pleural effusion (fluid in her lungs) and was admitted to the hospital during ramadhan, i feared that that was it. that she might not make it to raya.
but she did. she was discharged from hospital after 10 days of being admitted there, just a few days before raya. i was fortunate to get a whole week off for raya this year, and even though it is supposed to be muar this year for me and hubby (his hometown), his mom and him decided that we spend raya at my parents' in KL first instead. both of us were glad we did. it was a very meaningful raya for us. it was the 1st time all 3 of us siblings were around to raya in KL with our parents.
it was also the last raya we'll ever celebrate with our beloved mama.
she passed away on 13th Syawal, the 9th of August.
i thought i was ready.
i stayed with her in the hospital the night before she passed, kissing her face, her hands, stroke her hair, recited verses from the holy Quran for her as she became more unconscious.
in between that i even googled about the muslim preparations for burial, the washing, the shrouding.
but no matter how ready i thought i was.. i was so shaken and couldnt stop my tears when we were told she was really gone.
having been familiar with the hospital and the things needed done after a patient dies in the ward, and also being the eldest, i imagined that i would be the one taking charge of things. calling people to inform, getting all the documents settled, etc etc etc.
but no.
my dad and my siblings took care of all that.
hubby had to pull me aside.. away from everyone, into a deserted area in the ward, where all i could do was sob uncontrollably in his arms.
mama was not only my mother. she was my best friend for 39 years.
we were apart for quite awhile when i was growing up. i went to boarding school at 13, and before i completed secondary school, she went overseas to work, with my dad and my younger brother. for 13 years after that we never get to spend raya together, and only saw each other at about once a year. but however faraway we were from each other, i always felt that we still remained close.
i could tell her anything. and i did. and i really miss that. just talking to her about things.
i could hangout with her. i like hanging out with friends of course, but i loved going out with her too. after she retired and was back in malaysia for good, even going to the pasar malam near our house in KL was something i would really look forward to. it's on once a week at midweek, so being away from KL, i dont get to go very often, and when i did, it was always with her (and also that's where i did most of my tudung shopping- and she was the best shopping partner ever).
we both love cooking shows, and she knew almost all the chefs on the food network channel. she had a couple of favourites, and she talked about them like they were her friends. ("oh Ina said we should cook it this way not this way.."she would claim. and we'll be like "Aina who-?", and she'll be like "alah..I-na.. Ina Garten kat food network tu..').
watching food network will never be the same again.
God, i miss her. i miss her laughter (wide smile showing her teeth, not much sound, but very often she laughed with tears in her eyes).
God, i really feel like i havent spent enough time in this world with her yet. but i know. that however much i love her, God loves her more.
and that makes me feel a bit better. that God, the ever merciful, the ever generous, had lent her to us in this world. so we could love her, and always feel loved by her. this great woman. our supermama.
and now i continue to pray for her. that she is happy and safe where she is now. and hope i will get to see her again in the gardens of Jannah.
ameen.
al-Fatihah.
Wednesday, May 08, 2013
winds of change
no. this is not a political post.
it has been a year since my last entry here, you think i would waste in on politics?
but since we mentioned it, i would just like to mention here that it was my 3rd time voting (made me feel like a veteran) and somehow, this time around, the election day and the days going to it felt really ""festive".
maybe because there were way more voters this time.. with many having to "balik kampung" to vote, plans were made to book leaves or change calls (for those of us having to do oncalls), travel plans (to avoid traffic jams etc).
maybe the indelible ink has got something to do with it too, with evryone making a fuss about how truly/falsely indelible it actually is.. and all the blue (or red) finger tips u see posted by voters on FB and Instagram etc.
(i have to insert this story here too, just heard it from a friend --> apparently quite a number of voters marked the X on the voting papers using the ink on the fingers thinking that was what the ink was for!!!! aha-ha-ha..!!)
i know of some non-voters who actually felt "left behind" this time around because of their blue-less bare fingers on that day.
plus i think the fact that we have FB and Twitter etc now(we had them on the last elections too but they werent utilized as widely and openly as they are today) which makes even the most ignorant and disinterested people (like moi)more aware of what is going on. the atmosphere that day was simply.. i dont know.."electric:? i guess..(no pun intended ;)) with evryone waiting anxiously for the results.. and it did take a ridiculously long time for the results to come out too!
but hey. like i mentioned earlier, this is not a political post.
i mentioned somewhere in my last few postings that 2011 was a blur for me what with the final exams and my mom getting breast cancer and then being transferred back to mlka.
then 2012 came and went.
i completed my masters (finally!) and have now been transferred further south in JB to serve.
work-wise is the same.. cant expect to not be busy when you are in the medical field, but the are some differences of course. different colleagues, different bosses, different staff, different hospital. different city.
my mom completed her chemo and radiotherapy mid last year and was well for awhile but unfortunately now has a recurrence and needs to do chemo again before we proceed for a mastectomy. we are obviously all bummed about that but she is otherwise still up and about around the house so we are still very thankful.
i got married (yea, okay, you can perhaps say "finally!" here too.. to others it may seem that way but to me i think the word "actually" is probably more befitting...as in "i actually got married!".. yes i couldnt believe it myself!)
no. it wasnt an arranged marriage.
no. i wasnt drugged/comatose/hypnotized/held at gunpoint.
no. it wasnt the sultan of a certain state as i planned.
yes. i fell in love with another commoner.
yes. i was in love.
and yes. i am still in love.
now, with the change of title to my name (i'm still amused by the realization that i am an actual Puan now when the salespeople address me randomly as that..heee), it is interesting to note the change to people's reaction to anything that i do or say as well.
when i was single, the feedbacks i get to almost anything is "dah kawen belum" or "bila u nak kawen ni?"
eg. (Me vs P (people))
1. Me: Hi.. lamanya tak jumpa!!
P: Yelah..u nampak sama macam dulu...dah kawen belum? Belum? Bila u nak kawen ni?
2. Me: Hi..lama tak jumpa!!
P: Yelah..u nampak lain sekarang.. still belum kawen? Bila u nak kawen ni?
3. P: Happy birthday!
Me: Thank you!!
P: Bila u nak kawen ni?
4. Me: Selamat hari raya!
P: Selamat hari raya. Bila u nak kawen ni?
5. Me: Nice wedding.
P: Yelah.. bila u punya wedding pulak?"
6. P: Hey, the 47 yo singer is finally getting married! Bila u pulak nak kawen ni?
7. P: Hey, so&so is getting married-the 3rd time alrdy! Bila u pulak nak kawen ni?
8. P: Congrats dah jadi pakar... bila nak kawen pulak ni?"
9. P: Wahhh.. dah beli kereta baru... bila nak kawen pulak ni?"
10. P: Your mom has cancer? So sorry to hear that..bila u nak kawen ni?
you get the picture.
well, now that i am married.. things change.......... or have they?
eg.
1. Me: Lamanya tak jumpa!
P: Yelah.. dah ada anak? bila nak pregnant?
2. P: Happy birthday! Bila nak pregnant?
Me: Ha-lo..i got married 3 days ago (it's true.. i got married 3 days before my bday)
3. P: U transferred to JB alrdy? Dah pregnant belum?
4. P: U look like u've gained weight. Dah pregnant ke?
5. P: Sedapnya tengok food u makan (posted in FB). Dah pregnant ke?
5. P: U still drink that much coffee? When u get pregnant u cannot drink anymore haaa..
6. P: U demam? Pregnant kot...
7. P: Hey, nice new baju. Are u pregnant?
8. P: U coming back to KL to vote? Good for u. Dah pregnant belum?
9. P: U drive JB-KL-JB by yourself? Careful.. mana tau pregnant ke..
10. Your mom's cancer is back? so sorry to hear that.....so, are you pregnant yet?
..........................................................................................................................................................
shoutout to all family & friends: belated thanks for coming to the wedding, thanks for all the well wishes, here's a prayer for all of us to always love and be loved, to respect each other, to remain united, to be safe and for happiness always. ameen.
it has been a year since my last entry here, you think i would waste in on politics?
but since we mentioned it, i would just like to mention here that it was my 3rd time voting (made me feel like a veteran) and somehow, this time around, the election day and the days going to it felt really ""festive".
maybe because there were way more voters this time.. with many having to "balik kampung" to vote, plans were made to book leaves or change calls (for those of us having to do oncalls), travel plans (to avoid traffic jams etc).
maybe the indelible ink has got something to do with it too, with evryone making a fuss about how truly/falsely indelible it actually is.. and all the blue (or red) finger tips u see posted by voters on FB and Instagram etc.
(i have to insert this story here too, just heard it from a friend --> apparently quite a number of voters marked the X on the voting papers using the ink on the fingers thinking that was what the ink was for!!!! aha-ha-ha..!!)
i know of some non-voters who actually felt "left behind" this time around because of their blue-less bare fingers on that day.
plus i think the fact that we have FB and Twitter etc now(we had them on the last elections too but they werent utilized as widely and openly as they are today) which makes even the most ignorant and disinterested people (like moi)more aware of what is going on. the atmosphere that day was simply.. i dont know.."electric:? i guess..(no pun intended ;)) with evryone waiting anxiously for the results.. and it did take a ridiculously long time for the results to come out too!
but hey. like i mentioned earlier, this is not a political post.
i mentioned somewhere in my last few postings that 2011 was a blur for me what with the final exams and my mom getting breast cancer and then being transferred back to mlka.
then 2012 came and went.
i completed my masters (finally!) and have now been transferred further south in JB to serve.
work-wise is the same.. cant expect to not be busy when you are in the medical field, but the are some differences of course. different colleagues, different bosses, different staff, different hospital. different city.
my mom completed her chemo and radiotherapy mid last year and was well for awhile but unfortunately now has a recurrence and needs to do chemo again before we proceed for a mastectomy. we are obviously all bummed about that but she is otherwise still up and about around the house so we are still very thankful.
i got married (yea, okay, you can perhaps say "finally!" here too.. to others it may seem that way but to me i think the word "actually" is probably more befitting...as in "i actually got married!".. yes i couldnt believe it myself!)
no. it wasnt an arranged marriage.
no. i wasnt drugged/comatose/hypnotized/held at gunpoint.
no. it wasnt the sultan of a certain state as i planned.
yes. i fell in love with another commoner.
yes. i was in love.
and yes. i am still in love.
now, with the change of title to my name (i'm still amused by the realization that i am an actual Puan now when the salespeople address me randomly as that..heee), it is interesting to note the change to people's reaction to anything that i do or say as well.
when i was single, the feedbacks i get to almost anything is "dah kawen belum" or "bila u nak kawen ni?"
eg. (Me vs P (people))
1. Me: Hi.. lamanya tak jumpa!!
P: Yelah..u nampak sama macam dulu...dah kawen belum? Belum? Bila u nak kawen ni?
2. Me: Hi..lama tak jumpa!!
P: Yelah..u nampak lain sekarang.. still belum kawen? Bila u nak kawen ni?
3. P: Happy birthday!
Me: Thank you!!
P: Bila u nak kawen ni?
4. Me: Selamat hari raya!
P: Selamat hari raya. Bila u nak kawen ni?
5. Me: Nice wedding.
P: Yelah.. bila u punya wedding pulak?"
6. P: Hey, the 47 yo singer is finally getting married! Bila u pulak nak kawen ni?
7. P: Hey, so&so is getting married-the 3rd time alrdy! Bila u pulak nak kawen ni?
8. P: Congrats dah jadi pakar... bila nak kawen pulak ni?"
9. P: Wahhh.. dah beli kereta baru... bila nak kawen pulak ni?"
10. P: Your mom has cancer? So sorry to hear that..bila u nak kawen ni?
you get the picture.
well, now that i am married.. things change.......... or have they?
eg.
1. Me: Lamanya tak jumpa!
P: Yelah.. dah ada anak? bila nak pregnant?
2. P: Happy birthday! Bila nak pregnant?
Me: Ha-lo..i got married 3 days ago (it's true.. i got married 3 days before my bday)
3. P: U transferred to JB alrdy? Dah pregnant belum?
4. P: U look like u've gained weight. Dah pregnant ke?
5. P: Sedapnya tengok food u makan (posted in FB). Dah pregnant ke?
5. P: U still drink that much coffee? When u get pregnant u cannot drink anymore haaa..
6. P: U demam? Pregnant kot...
7. P: Hey, nice new baju. Are u pregnant?
8. P: U coming back to KL to vote? Good for u. Dah pregnant belum?
9. P: U drive JB-KL-JB by yourself? Careful.. mana tau pregnant ke..
10. Your mom's cancer is back? so sorry to hear that.....so, are you pregnant yet?
..........................................................................................................................................................
shoutout to all family & friends: belated thanks for coming to the wedding, thanks for all the well wishes, here's a prayer for all of us to always love and be loved, to respect each other, to remain united, to be safe and for happiness always. ameen.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
ouch! crushes hurt too.
i had this huge crush on this guy for the past 2 years. but a crush is a crush.. nuthin serious, not to the point that i wanted to do anything about anyway. friends who knew about him did "layan" me for fun, teased me, asked me to kirim salam (sheeshh.. the more i write this the more high-school it sounds..so embarassing!!)
so anyway, like i said, it was fun while it lasted, it felt "light" and harmless..another eye-candy for me, or so i thought until i found out that he is now engaged and soon to be married (dont ask me how i know or found out, because it is sooooooo high school tween stalker stuff, it'll make me look even more pathetic). i was shocked, because i thought he was still single, like, dont-even-have-a-gf-single, and now he's soon to be married!! and boy was i crushed. i surprised myself even, cuz i didnt think i actually cared so much :(
sorry heart, i let u down.
so anyway, like i said, it was fun while it lasted, it felt "light" and harmless..another eye-candy for me, or so i thought until i found out that he is now engaged and soon to be married (dont ask me how i know or found out, because it is sooooooo high school tween stalker stuff, it'll make me look even more pathetic). i was shocked, because i thought he was still single, like, dont-even-have-a-gf-single, and now he's soon to be married!! and boy was i crushed. i surprised myself even, cuz i didnt think i actually cared so much :(
sorry heart, i let u down.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
back when i was 15...
read my ol journal back when i was in boarding school, and came across this puisi thingy that i actually made up around the time i was stressed out preparing for SRP.
SRP,
kau datang sebok2
ngacau2 aku
aku belum ready
nak hadapi
dirimu itu.
salah aku ke?
SRP,kau datang sebok2
ngacau2 aku
aku belum ready
nak hadapi
dirimu itu.
salah aku ke?
aku rasa iye..
padan muka,
kalau lingkup?
issh..harap idak le..
SRP,
boleh tak kalau..
kau ditangguhkan?
boleh tak kalau..
aku dikecualikan?
boleh ke aku..
menaruh harapan?
boleh...setakat P8!
SRP,
aku tulis puisi ini
waktu maghrib begini,
konon2 lepas tension.
aku rasa aku ni bangang
azan dah lama berkumandang
aku masih setaraf dengan..
kerbau berkubang!
patutnye aku pegi mandi
lepas sembahyang
boleh study.
boleh tahan jugak..hehe. but if i have to create anything like that again..dont think i can do it anymo. i remember writing up stories when i was in school. essays/stories that the english teacher made me read up in class or tampal on the class board. i remember in form 2 or 3, ms eliza made a few us in class record ourselves reading our so-called creative stories on tape. i wonder if she kept the tapes.
oh..and then there was this sorta mini novel that i wrote too(took up a whole exercise book). i called it "base III". nuthin to do with the bases dating couples move onto on each date mind ya (naughtynaughty.) but was some sorta refugee/army base camp that held most of my friends captured by enemies...and um..
oklah, ceritanye camni (hehe)..there was this world war that caught evryone in the world off-guard (yes, i had to take sejarah for SRP). whole msia kena bomb, including la our school ..many students were captured as tebusan, but me and my friends escaped cuz being the delinquents that we were, during the school raid/bombing, we were skipping class, and were in our hideout, which was so well hidden lah kononnye, even the so-called world enemies whose army troops were invading the country couldnt find. and so the whole story was about our journey to save our family n friends, to help them escape from this "base III", which was somewhere at the pahang-kelantan border.our school was in melaka, so jauhla perjalanannye kan.. so on the way tu macam2 happened, adventure la, and even romance pun ada selit2 jugak..real-life couples and crushes semua i included..alah..girl A who had a crush on boy B in real life. I wrote that she fell down a big hole, and B tried to save her, only to fall down the hole as well, so they were stuck there awhile, just the 2 of them, till help arrived. and they got to talking. and got to to know each other. and fell for each other..that sorta thing la. innocent jek ;)
as for the wardens/teachers we didnt like and goody 2-shoe-students who liked to snitch on us, they became the enemy-under-the-blanket...kira pembelot la..in the story. they worked for the enemy, so in the end during the 'great big escape' from the base, we get to kill them all..muahaha.
i remember reading the story outloud to my close friends in our dorm, and we daydreamed about having it made into a movie one day (and for some reason we wanted aziz m othman to direct ;))
but u know the sad thing? sometime after high school, when my parents left to work overseas, and we had to rentout our house in kl, and so had to move our stuff back to our kampungs (both melaka n perak), and evrything went evrywhere.... my novel just went missing. i havent seen it since.
*sigh*
padan muka,
kalau lingkup?
issh..harap idak le..
SRP,
boleh tak kalau..
kau ditangguhkan?
boleh tak kalau..
aku dikecualikan?
boleh ke aku..
menaruh harapan?
boleh...setakat P8!
SRP,
aku tulis puisi ini
waktu maghrib begini,
konon2 lepas tension.
aku rasa aku ni bangang
azan dah lama berkumandang
aku masih setaraf dengan..
kerbau berkubang!
patutnye aku pegi mandi
lepas sembahyang
boleh study.
boleh tahan jugak..hehe. but if i have to create anything like that again..dont think i can do it anymo. i remember writing up stories when i was in school. essays/stories that the english teacher made me read up in class or tampal on the class board. i remember in form 2 or 3, ms eliza made a few us in class record ourselves reading our so-called creative stories on tape. i wonder if she kept the tapes.
oh..and then there was this sorta mini novel that i wrote too(took up a whole exercise book). i called it "base III". nuthin to do with the bases dating couples move onto on each date mind ya (naughtynaughty.) but was some sorta refugee/army base camp that held most of my friends captured by enemies...and um..
oklah, ceritanye camni (hehe)..there was this world war that caught evryone in the world off-guard (yes, i had to take sejarah for SRP). whole msia kena bomb, including la our school ..many students were captured as tebusan, but me and my friends escaped cuz being the delinquents that we were, during the school raid/bombing, we were skipping class, and were in our hideout, which was so well hidden lah kononnye, even the so-called world enemies whose army troops were invading the country couldnt find. and so the whole story was about our journey to save our family n friends, to help them escape from this "base III", which was somewhere at the pahang-kelantan border.our school was in melaka, so jauhla perjalanannye kan.. so on the way tu macam2 happened, adventure la, and even romance pun ada selit2 jugak..real-life couples and crushes semua i included..alah..girl A who had a crush on boy B in real life. I wrote that she fell down a big hole, and B tried to save her, only to fall down the hole as well, so they were stuck there awhile, just the 2 of them, till help arrived. and they got to talking. and got to to know each other. and fell for each other..that sorta thing la. innocent jek ;)
as for the wardens/teachers we didnt like and goody 2-shoe-students who liked to snitch on us, they became the enemy-under-the-blanket...kira pembelot la..in the story. they worked for the enemy, so in the end during the 'great big escape' from the base, we get to kill them all..muahaha.
i remember reading the story outloud to my close friends in our dorm, and we daydreamed about having it made into a movie one day (and for some reason we wanted aziz m othman to direct ;))
but u know the sad thing? sometime after high school, when my parents left to work overseas, and we had to rentout our house in kl, and so had to move our stuff back to our kampungs (both melaka n perak), and evrything went evrywhere.... my novel just went missing. i havent seen it since.
*sigh*
anyway, going back to this journal i had when i was a teen.. the cover was full with stickers saying "keep away!" "dont peep!" "TOP SECRET" etc. on the 1st page, i wrote a warning, for people not to proceed to the other pages, "to read is strictly forbidden, not now, not ever. SERIOUSLY!"
Sunday, July 16, 2006
nostalgic visit
i went to my old school today. to talk to the kids about what i do. my friend lo made me go.. woke me up real early in the morning...before 9am.. on a sunday too!.. to go join the alumni give a career talk to a bunch of 17 yr olds.
so i dragged my butt there and well....i'm actually glad i did!
it was really a great walk down memory lane. lo and me were both late (some things never change ;)) , they've already started anyway so we both just went and took a walk around the campus first. boy.. every nook and corner brought back memories!
the main hall ..where we had our assemblies, major exams, and badminton matches.
the classrooms.. where we obviously had our classes, meetings and the so-called dates..
the toilets..where my close girlfriends and me would meet at the same exact time every night during prep class to catch up on the latest gossips and re-do our hairs (those humangous front upsweeps of the late 80's required frequent maintenance u know).
the music class..where i went to learn the drums, and practised dance steps to sheila majid's warna (twas an assignment for music class ok..)
the field..where we played softball with the boys, and i cheered my sweetheart during his 100m sprint on sports day...sigh.. (hearts in eyes now)
the netball court..
the dining hall..
the dorm..
ahh... the dorm.. memories there were the best and most vivid in my memory. girls just wanna have fun u know? course, i cant jot down evrything on here.. this IS a public blog yeah? there were certain things that were kept hidden from the authorities, namely the wardens, and u know.. they might come across this..and o well, i'm just tired now actually.. it's already past midnite, and i did get up before 9 today..on a sunday!
i treasure all the memories.. i do, but for now, i'll just keep them to myself... and go to bed.
oh..and yeah, we did get ourselves back to the actual career talk. managed to tell the kids to rethink about their future carefully. gave them the real picture about what's waiting for them out there.. no matter what they decide to do in the end.
Friday, June 16, 2006
when i grow up...
england playing against trinidad tobago. got last 2 weeks' laundry going in the machine. downloading songs from the net. thinking about work and how depressed i've been in the past few weeks. (yeah, old news--> girls multi-task)
let's see.. when i was in primary school, i had wanted to become a librarian, obviously cuz i love to read and used to frequent the school and public libraries, so 'course i thought what better way to get your collection of books for free than to actually work at a nice big library!
the books also made me list "private investigator" as one of my career possibilities, thanks to nancy drew, the hardy boys, and enid blyton's the famous5. o yeah..and tv's macgyver and magnum p.i. hehe.
and my love for the books, made me start writing my own short stories, some of which i had shared with friends, some i kept for myself and had pictured myself as a writer when i grow up.
then my dad made me go to a science based boarding school... and most kids i knew started listing teachers, lawyers, or doctors as their ambitions. one friend even said she wanted to be an oceanographer!..and i never knew the job..or the word even, existed before, so i told people i wanted to become a scientist instead.
but i also discovered that i really loved dancing..both modern and traditional dances, and i got involved in many dance shows for school and such, and i remember secretly writing in my journal at the time that i wanted to become a dancer!
then school became "serious". there were major exams to sit for..and they didnt just want us to pass u know, but to pass with great excellence. the career options again became doctors, engineers, or accountants.
it was really much later in high school that i tell people i wanted to become a doctor. at the time, i really couldnt picture myself doing anything else.
if i could live parallel lives right now.. i actually see myself as a travel photographer..or a librarian (yup, the childhood ambition still! hehe) or a physiotherapist, or a speech language pathologist..or what the heck.. we're steering more into daydream territory here.. an F1 driver... a lead singer in a band (i cant sing at all i know, i am daydreaming here i said) or even an actress (Hollywood, 'course)...and the list goes on.
*sigh* back to reality now.. laundry's all done... it's the 2nd half of the game now, and still no goal from either team.... and i guess i'll probably continue my job for at least another 10 years or so (got bills to pay, loans to settle, and a girl's definitely gotta to eat ;)).
i can still dance tho.
and crouch just headed a goal for england.
let's see.. when i was in primary school, i had wanted to become a librarian, obviously cuz i love to read and used to frequent the school and public libraries, so 'course i thought what better way to get your collection of books for free than to actually work at a nice big library!
the books also made me list "private investigator" as one of my career possibilities, thanks to nancy drew, the hardy boys, and enid blyton's the famous5. o yeah..and tv's macgyver and magnum p.i. hehe.
and my love for the books, made me start writing my own short stories, some of which i had shared with friends, some i kept for myself and had pictured myself as a writer when i grow up.
then my dad made me go to a science based boarding school... and most kids i knew started listing teachers, lawyers, or doctors as their ambitions. one friend even said she wanted to be an oceanographer!..and i never knew the job..or the word even, existed before, so i told people i wanted to become a scientist instead.
but i also discovered that i really loved dancing..both modern and traditional dances, and i got involved in many dance shows for school and such, and i remember secretly writing in my journal at the time that i wanted to become a dancer!
then school became "serious". there were major exams to sit for..and they didnt just want us to pass u know, but to pass with great excellence. the career options again became doctors, engineers, or accountants.
it was really much later in high school that i tell people i wanted to become a doctor. at the time, i really couldnt picture myself doing anything else.
if i could live parallel lives right now.. i actually see myself as a travel photographer..or a librarian (yup, the childhood ambition still! hehe) or a physiotherapist, or a speech language pathologist..or what the heck.. we're steering more into daydream territory here.. an F1 driver... a lead singer in a band (i cant sing at all i know, i am daydreaming here i said) or even an actress (Hollywood, 'course)...and the list goes on.
*sigh* back to reality now.. laundry's all done... it's the 2nd half of the game now, and still no goal from either team.... and i guess i'll probably continue my job for at least another 10 years or so (got bills to pay, loans to settle, and a girl's definitely gotta to eat ;)).
i can still dance tho.
and crouch just headed a goal for england.
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