beauty and the bitches

Real life conversations that I've too frequently encountered, different versions and actual details, but  never failing in leaving me appalled & dismayed at the similar responses/comments.

Makcik: Kawan kau tu dah kawen ke belum?
Me: Belum, single lagi.
Makcik: Laa..apasal belum kawen. Lawa je budak nya acik tengok.

HO: This baby's mother is young, only 18yo. And this is her 2nd child.
Pakar: Is she married? How old is her other child?! How is she coping? Did anybody talk to her?
Matron: Yes. She came in the other day. She's really pretty, doctor. No wonder she was married really young.

MO: This baby is the 1st child for the mom's current union. She already has 6 other children from 4 different partners.
Pakar: Says here she's unemployed. Are all her children with her? How is she caring for all 7 children? Has anybody spoken her?
Sister: Yes doctor. She's a real player, this one. She's not even that pretty!

Colleague: Where were you? We called you few times to see if you could join us for lunch.
Me: I was seeing a case in Gynae ward, a 14 yo girl presented to ED with abdominal pains, just found out she's actually pregnant. Worst, she was raped by her own brother!
Colleague: Gosh, poor girl!! Is she pretty?

You see where I'm going with this?

If a woman got married young/early, most likely it is because of her looks.
If a woman has multiple partners, or is a "player", it must be because of her looks too, because we totally can't understand it if it's otherwise!
And the poor girl/woman who was raped, it was probably because the man who did it couldn't resist her looks!

Disgusting when I put it that way, right?
If asked again, why do you ask that (on whether she is pretty)?
The answer is often "Oh am just curious."
But that's not really what we're implying.
That's what our society is teaching our children.
That looks matter.

When I say society, for this matter, I'm sorry to say, it's mostly us, women.
The witches and bitches.
Suka sungguh gosip.
It's really not healthy ladies.
Can we change?
Will we change?

kesah seorang boss

Alkesah, ada seorang boss.

Di suatu pagi di hujung minggu, di kala boss sedang bercuti, boss terima khabar ada timbul masalah di tempat kerja. Masalah itu bukan masalah baru, kadang2 memang boleh berlaku. Tetapi selain dari itu, boss diberitahu ada juga masalah kedua yang telah timbul, yang berpunca akibat dari kecuaian anak2 buah boss.
Boss naik angin lah.
Boss mulalah membebel. "Aku dah cakap kat diorang ni berkali2, jangan buat begitu, jangan buat begini. Budak2 ni degil juga. Tak mahu dengar cakap aku. Tak percaya cakap aku. Sekarang dah jadi macam ni. Aku jugak kena pergi selesaikan."
Suami boss yang mendengar di rumah itu mengangguk2 saja melihat boss bersiap2.
"Awak bersiap ni nak ke tempat kerjakah?"
"Yelah, saya nak basuh diorang cukup2!" dengus boss penuh marah.


Selesai bersiap, boss seperti biasa mencium tangan suaminya sebelum keluar. Kemudian dia singgah di bilik mak mertuanya yang kebetulan datang melawat dari kampung. Niat nak beritahu mak, dia terpaksa keluar bekerja pula.
Boss selalu mengingatkan suaminya, orang boleh kata suami itu "boss" kepada isteri, (atau isteri itu boss kepada suami - sukahatilah) tetapi mak tetap big boss kepada kedua2nya.

Tiba di bilik, dilihatnya mak sedang bersolat. Masa itu pukul 10 pagi.
Mula2 boss pelik, tapi terus teringat. Oh, mak solat dhuha.
Tiba2 boss insaf.
Baik boss ambil wudhu dan solat dhuha dulu. Sudahlah pada waktu hari2 bekerja boss memang jarang dapat solat dhuha.

Selepas solat, hati boss automatik tenang.
Boss tukar niat. Baik dia pergi kerja untuk cuba selesaikan masalah yang timbul itu dulu. Kemudian baru dia akan tegur dan tangani isu kecuaian anak buahnya itu. Boss tanam azam akan cuba tangani dengan berhemah dan profesional, tapi tetap tegas. Marah2 sahaja tak ada gunanya. Jiwa boss juga yang bertambah stress.

Boss bersyukur sebelum keluar bekerja dia sempat diingatkan bahawa walaupun dia seorang boss, ada yang lagi boss dari boss2 dan big boss.
Dialah the Almighty Boss, dan kepadaNya lah kita berharap, kepadaNya lah kita berserah.

gosh i'm old..and fat..and old(based on real-life events part 1)

Okay, I've posted these scenarios before in facebook in a visual comic formal.
Just reposting them here mainly to keep this blog "alive", but also to practice translating them into writing.
HO = house officer/junior doctor
Pakar = specialist (in these scenarios all me)

Scene 1
HO                             : Mother is geriatric, this is her 10th baby..
Pakar                         :Geriatric?? How old is the mother?
HO (who is 25yo)     : 40yo, Doctor
Pakar (43yo, no kids): *cry*

Scene 2
HO    : Mother is obese..
Pakar: Obese? How big is the mother??
HO    : Well she's about your size, Doctor.
Pakar : *%^&**$#!*

Scene 3
HO   : We sent FBC, LFT, RFT, CRP, ABF, IEM, TORCHs, xray, urine..
Pakar: So many investigations!! Who ordered them?!
HO   : You did, Doctor.
Pakar: Oh, did I? *blush*

Dear you, it's me

Dear God, it's me.
Dear me, it's you.

Dear love, hug me.
Dear evil, go away.
Dear anger, don't slay.
Dear sabr, do stay.
Dear madness, don't be weird.
Dear joy, come play.
Dear grief, don't overwhelm.
Dear sadness, don't cry.
Dear happiness, be content.
Dear trust, don't lie.
Dear insof, don't abandon me.
Dear will, don't give up.
Dear doubts, don't bother me.
Dear riches, don't beg.
Dear time, thank you.
Dear past, no regrets.
Dear present, let me learn.
Dear future, may you be bright.
Dear life, be kind, will you?
Dear death, be gentle too.

Dear you, it's me.
Dear me, I love you.
                       

this is emie. she's a doctor.

there are different ways we get introduced to people.

it almost always start with your name, followed by maybe a little bit more information about you.

like, this is emie. she was my friend in college.

or she was my neighbour.

or she works in JB now.

or she's so and so's daughter/sister/cousin etc.

you get the picture.

a small polite conversation then usually follows this introduction.

but what happens after you get introduced to people and they mention your occupation instead?

like, this is emie, she's a doctor.

well, when you get introduced as a doctor, most times you get these raised, often questionable eyebrows first as a response.

at least i do. as if to say, really? she doesnt look like a doctor. 

or really? i thought she's a teacher (refer to another previous blog entry. this i take as flattery) .

or she sure isnt dressed like one. (this will make my aruah mama go i told you so. she told me so soooo many times).
or really? she's too cute to be a doctor. (okay, i made that one up).

then other questions usually follow. 

if you're a doctor, some people may ask you where you work, which hospital, is it a busy/nice place, even maybe which medical school you went to etc.

or some people will just straight up ask you a medical question, more often than not, pertaining to their own health or worries about a certain ailment that they have, rather than a general question like, how about that zika,huh?

itu okay lagi. you still try your best to answer their questions.

but it's a little awkward when this is at a funeral, or you're visiting someone ill at the hospital, and you get introduced to the person's relatives who are also visiting, like what happened to me recently. a friend's close one was critically ill and admitted to the icu, so i went to visit. the atmosphere was sombre, the person was on a ventilator, with tubes and wires running to and from his body, the machines were beeping. there was another relative there so i was introduced by my friend as emie, old friend. she's a doctor. the relative then proceeded to asking me what i initially thought was going to be with regards of the ill person that we were visiting. understandably. may be she's hoping i could help explain certain things further.

but no. she actually went on to tell me about how she was also hospitalized in the same hospital a few times already for multiple surgeries, the last one on her uterus, just last year. i just listened politely and nodded a few times, i see, i see.

she then went on to tell me she is still having some symptoms which she wasn’t sure if it was related to the surgery or the underlying condition that she had, or whether there is a new diagnosis or if it was all part of the aging process, and asked if i knew what they were.

errrrrrrkk…

so i said, well i'm not a gynae so maybe you can ask your gynae next time you see him/her. i looked over at my friend and saw that HE looked real apologetic.

seriously.

that's not the worst scenario though.

imagine a kenduri kawin. you are really hungry, and boy does that nasi minyak look yummy & inviting, let's quickly find a seat. a relative sees you and calls you to sit near him/her. you gladly walk over, that plate of warm nasi minyak + rendang daging + ayam masak merah also calling you to quickly grab a seat so you can quickly eat (hey that rhymes!)

another introduction of ini emie, anak so & so, dia doktor kanak-kanak by the relative to a pakcik you dont know and his family.

this pakcik you were introduced to then briefly looks at you, washes his hands (he was eating) and lifts up his shirt to show you that rash/mole/growth/something-that-looks-like-a-map-of-somewhere on his belly/chest/armpit (!), and asks you if you know what it was, he's had it for awhile now, so can it be cancer?

the nasi minyak suddenly turns cold and no longer look appetizing.

baby news

no. i'm not pregnant or having a baby.
i don't mean MY baby news.

eva & ryan. on their 2nd.
blake & ryan. on their 2nd.
megan & brian. on their 3rd. and they are supposedly divorced!
chrissy & john just got one.
and to top it all off, E news was also showing awesome celebrities who got preggers after they turned 40.

so yeah, their baby news.

i put this up as my FB status after i saw the E!news show.
hastagged it maybe i should stop following E news and watch real news instead.
and that maybe i'm jelly. u know, the slang for jealous? (just learned it).

so on to local news.

the maid we hired to help my mom-in-law can't come back to work for us anymore because she is now pregnant.
with twins.

bah!

forget the news.

ps: bah? who says bah anymore? that's like from the days of reading Archie.


GAH! I want!!

why i am a 25 year old doctor. or at least look like one. at least to the eyes of my darling patient.

this was a conversation on whatsapp between a patient of mine and a staff nurse on my palliative team. the patient's nickname is "baby" and she is 10 years old with  congenital heart disease. initially when she was referred to us, she was so shy and i had a real hard time getting her to talk to me. her condition was slowly deteriorating, and her mom revealed to me that baby was becoming very moody and was often angry towards her mom and her older sisters. in order to get her to talk to me and gain her trust, i asked baby to come up with any questions that she may have for me. they can be about anything. i promised that i will answer all her questions or will at least try and find the answers for her. when i saw her 2 days later, she had written 6 questions for me, 3 of which were actually about her mood swings and whether they were related to her heart disease. i was happy that i managed to get straight to what had concerned her mother and  me, and i addressed the questions and explained to her the best way i could. according to her mom when we followed up on her recently, baby's mood has been much better at home now, and i'd like to think that our little q&a session helped her with that, even if a bit. 
as for the other 3 questions, well surprisingly, they were all about me.
she asked what my full name is, whether i am married, and my age. when i told her my age, she didnt believe me, stating that i look younger, and i laughed (happily, of course! i know i know.. she's only 10, what does she know about how 40 year-olds are supposed to look like, but hey.. i'm taking it in. or rather-sucking it in. get it? haha). anyway, that was more than a month ago, and at the time it was only she, her mom and myself during that meeting because she was too shy to even let my nurse in. but the nurse continued to visit her everyday while she was in ward, and later even visited her at home after she was discharged, and they have been keeping touch via whatsapp. when i had to go on leave for 2 weeks after my recent miscarriage, we had to postpone her clinic appointment with me, and that's why she asked if i was well too during the whatsapp chat. it's so amazing that even though she herself is unwell (she doesnt even go to to school anymore because she tires easily) she still thinks about my health. here's to you, your health and your happiness, darling baby. God bless you, not just for being so naive and kind for saying i look 25 ;), but for being the sweet strong thoughtful you, as a reminder for the rest of us to love life and always be thankful. 

cerita menjelang tahun baru.

1st year marriage:

mr hubby: sayang, it's so cool that we got married hujung tahun kan. and that your birthday is just a few days after that.. on new year's day! everywhere we go the mood is so festive. and everywhere there's fireworks! love it!

2nd year marriage:

mr hubby: sayang, it's so rugi that we got married hujung tahun kan.and that your birthday is just a few days after that. flights and hotels are so expensive because of the super-peak season it's so difficult to get reservations! dok rumah jelah. celebrate kemudian ok.

moral of the story: takpe, yang penting dia still sayang ;)
happy anniversary, baby.

winds of change

no. this is not a political post.

it has been a year since my last entry here, you think i would waste in on politics?
but since we mentioned it, i would just like to mention here that it was my 3rd time voting (made me feel like a veteran) and somehow, this time around, the election day and the days going to it felt really ""festive".
maybe because there were way more voters this time.. with many having to "balik kampung" to vote, plans were made to book leaves or change calls (for those of us having to do oncalls), travel plans (to avoid traffic jams etc).
maybe the indelible ink has got something to do with it too, with evryone making a fuss about how truly/falsely indelible it actually is.. and all the blue (or red) finger tips u see posted by voters on FB and Instagram etc.
(i have to insert this story here too, just heard it from a friend --> apparently quite a number of voters marked the X on the voting papers using the ink on the fingers thinking that was what the ink was for!!!! aha-ha-ha..!!)
i know of some non-voters who actually felt "left behind" this time around because of their blue-less bare fingers on that day.
plus i think the fact that we have FB and Twitter etc now(we had them on the last elections too but they werent utilized as widely and openly as they are today) which makes even the most ignorant and disinterested people (like moi)more aware of what is going on. the atmosphere that day was simply.. i dont know.."electric:? i guess..(no pun intended ;)) with evryone waiting anxiously for the results.. and it did take a ridiculously long time for the results to come out too!

but hey. like i mentioned earlier, this is not a political post.

i mentioned somewhere in my last few postings that 2011 was a blur for me what with the final exams and my mom getting breast cancer and then being transferred back to mlka.

then 2012 came and went.
i  completed my masters (finally!) and have now been transferred further south in JB to serve.
work-wise is the same.. cant expect to not be busy when you are in the medical field, but the are some differences of course. different colleagues, different bosses, different staff, different hospital. different city.

my mom completed her chemo and radiotherapy mid last year and was well for awhile but unfortunately now has a recurrence and needs to do chemo again before we proceed for a mastectomy. we are obviously all bummed about that but she is otherwise still up and about around the house so we are still very thankful.

i got married (yea, okay, you can perhaps say "finally!" here too.. to others it may seem that way but to me i think the word "actually" is probably more befitting...as in "i actually got married!".. yes i couldnt believe it myself!)
no. it wasnt an arranged marriage.
no. i wasnt drugged/comatose/hypnotized/held at gunpoint.
no. it wasnt the sultan of a certain state as i planned.
yes. i fell in love with another commoner.
yes. i was in love.
and yes. i am still in love.

now, with the change of title to my name (i'm still amused by the realization that i am an actual Puan now when the salespeople address me randomly as that..heee), it is interesting to note the change to people's  reaction to anything that i do or say as well.
when i was single, the feedbacks i get to almost anything is "dah kawen belum" or "bila u nak kawen ni?"
eg. (Me vs P (people))
  1.  Me: Hi.. lamanya tak jumpa!!
          P: Yelah..u nampak sama macam dulu...dah kawen belum? Belum? Bila u nak kawen ni?
  2.  Me: Hi..lama tak jumpa!!
          P: Yelah..u nampak lain sekarang.. still belum kawen? Bila u nak kawen ni?
  3.  P: Happy birthday!
       Me: Thank you!!
       P: Bila u nak kawen ni?
  4. Me: Selamat hari raya!
       P: Selamat hari raya. Bila u nak kawen ni?
  5.  Me: Nice wedding.
       P: Yelah.. bila u punya wedding pulak?"
  6.  P: Hey, the 47 yo singer is finally getting married! Bila u pulak nak kawen ni?
  7.  P: Hey, so&so is getting married-the 3rd time alrdy! Bila u pulak nak kawen ni?
  8.  P: Congrats dah jadi pakar... bila nak kawen pulak ni?"
  9.  P: Wahhh.. dah beli kereta baru... bila nak kawen pulak ni?"
10.  P: Your mom has cancer? So sorry to hear that..bila u nak kawen ni?

you get the picture.
well, now that i am married.. things change.......... or have they?
eg.

 1. Me: Lamanya tak jumpa!
     P:   Yelah.. dah ada anak? bila nak pregnant?
 2. P: Happy birthday! Bila nak pregnant?
     Me: Ha-lo..i got married 3 days ago (it's true.. i got married 3 days before my bday)
3.  P: U transferred to JB alrdy? Dah pregnant belum?
4.  P: U look like u've gained weight. Dah pregnant ke?
5.  P: Sedapnya tengok food u makan (posted in FB). Dah pregnant ke?
5.  P: U still drink that much coffee? When u get pregnant u cannot drink anymore haaa..
6.  P: U demam? Pregnant kot...
7.  P: Hey, nice new baju. Are u pregnant?
8.  P: U coming back to KL to vote? Good for u. Dah pregnant belum?
9.  P: U drive JB-KL-JB by yourself? Careful.. mana tau pregnant ke..
10. Your mom's cancer is back? so sorry to hear that.....so, are you pregnant yet?

..........................................................................................................................................................

shoutout to all family & friends: belated thanks for coming to the wedding, thanks for all the well wishes, here's a prayer for all of us to always love and be loved, to respect each other, to remain united, to be safe and for happiness always. ameen.

Whatthe hey-? A medley.

1st week back in Melaka. Conversation with one of the bosses:

JT: so, in case you don’t know this yet emie, our department here is very fertile..
Me: huh?
JT: yea, everyone seems to end up pregnant here.. so I better warn you.. ha-ha (nervous laugh)
Me: umh.. ha-ha (real nervous now..whatthe hey-)

2nd week in Melaka. A female security guard waved at me, she actually remembered my face.
Guard: Hey doktor, lama tak nampak.
Me: ye kak, saya pindah KL 2 tahun.
Guard: oo..sekarang dah balik sini balik?
Me: ye kak *smile*
Guard: oo..baguslaah… Gemuk dah doktor sekarang ye!
Me: ..haha..yelah kak .. *smile*

The next day. Same guard, smiled at me. I smiled back.
Guard: Doktor, dah memang kerja balik sini lah ye?
Me: ha, ye kak..
Guard: Doktor gemuk betul la sekarang ye..
Me: ..haaa.. y e .. k a k… *smile paksa*

Later that same day. Same guard, with another guard. I could feel it coming. Smiled at me and waved. I waved back. Prayed that the elevator doors would open immediately as I pressed the button. They were  just a few feet away from me.
Guard (telling the other guard): tu doktor tu kerja sini dulu, sekarang dah balik sini balik. Dah gemuk dah dia sekarang..dulu kurus.
Me: (whatthe hey-?) *acute depression*

2nd month in Melaka. Doing post-call rounds in adult ICU, 7am, in scrubs, haven’t showered yet. Approached by the ICU staff:
RN: doktor, you HO(houseman a.k.a graduated doctor in-training AND mostly very young) GA(general anaesthesia) ke HO surgery?
Me: *Stunned*
RN: Eh, doktor, doktor ni HO GA ke HO surgery?
Me: err..saya MO (a.k.a medical officer..and mostly older more mature doctor)  ..
RN: oh ye ke.. sorry, sorry, ingatkan houseman tadi.
Me: (what the hey-? You made my day!!!) *perasan smirk ON!*

Just yesterday.  Doing oncall morning rounds by myself. Approached by a houseman from my own department, who has worked with me for at least the past one week:
HO: you jaga jaundice cubicle jugak ke?
Me: huh?
HO: you jaga jaundice cubicle jugak ke?
Me: still huh?
HO: …realization hits as she slowly starts to recognize and remember who I was again ….oh, sorry doctor, I thought you were the houseman here…so sorry..
 and dengan penuh sheepish-nya she left me…
..and again I was stunned.
Ok, but that HO memang known for her dumb-blonde attitude lah... but, seriously?
Whatthe hey-?

ouch! crushes hurt too.

i had this huge crush on this guy for the past 2 years. but a crush is a crush.. nuthin serious, not to the point that i wanted to do anything about anyway. friends who knew about him did "layan" me for fun, teased me, asked me to kirim salam (sheeshh.. the more i write this the more high-school it sounds..so embarassing!!)
so anyway, like i said, it was fun while it lasted, it felt "light" and harmless..another eye-candy for me, or so i thought until i found out that he is now engaged and soon to be married (dont ask me how i know or found out, because it is sooooooo high school tween stalker stuff, it'll make me look even more pathetic). i was shocked, because i thought he was still single, like, dont-even-have-a-gf-single, and now he's soon to be married!! and boy was i crushed. i surprised myself even, cuz i didnt think i actually cared so much :(
sorry heart, i let u down.

me.uptodate.

o wow.
it is now 2012, and we're already a week into February.
my last entry was many many many moons ago.

where do i even start?

last year was a very trying and tiring year indeed. i remember how last year, 2011, started for me.
i was oncall on that last day of the year 2010, when the country won a football game against indonesia, and the people were given a public holiday for that.. but being the doctor oncall on that day, i still had to work anyway, but it's now made worse by the fact that i was oncall on a public holiday instead of just a weekday, which we doctors hate.. i also later realized that i was working through the new year's eve of which the numbers were turning into 1.1.11.
imagine, the number a lot of pregnant mothers had been eyeing to be their babies' birthdate.
it was one-hell-of-a-busy call.
i was flat, dead tired the next day, which was new year's day 2011, the day i had dreaded coming, as i was gonna turn 36 on that day, and for some reason i was really depressed about that. that was how last year started for me.

and then it was all blurry.

 all i could remember were the damn exams!! it was like  this huge gravitational thing, that no matter whatever else i was doing, whoever else i was supposed to be with or shud be concentrating on, it kept pulling my attention back to it. no matter what i did, and as much as i hated it, and hate to admit it, it became the center of my so-called universe, the one thing i hated most but could not ignore. yuck. i dont remember much about what went on last year except for the bloody exams, i even remember just staying at my aunt's place studying, even during Eid!
so thank God Almighty that it passed.  i passed. only with God's great mercy and grace of course.

during those hated days studying for the exams, just as it was looming round the corner, my family was hit by the news that my mom has breast cancer. she found a lump during a self-exam, and we had it checked, and it was cancer. no family history, nothing. my mom was always conscious about her heath ,and had been quite healthy. she underwent the surgery to remove the tumor just after my written exam,  and is currently still undergoing chemo. she has lost a lotta weight ,and hair..but we have God to thank again that she is otherwise quite well. except for the few days after she gets her chemo when she'll be a bit weak from all the nausea and vomiting, on regular days she is otherwise up and about as usual around the house.

then, relieved that the exam was finally over, so i can perhaps now concentrate on my family especially my mom.. i was told to leave KL and go back to work in Melaka. such mixed feelings i had when i got the news..
i hated working in (UM)KL, but staying at my parents' house was a real bessing.
to be back working in Melaka would not be bad at all, i think, as anywhere is better than where i was (UM), but it also means having to part ways with my mom again, at a time when i feel like i should be around her more. but i followed orders and back to melaka i went.

then all of a sudden, as friends and relatives started to find out about my mom's illness, we were struck with another sudden sad news, my uncle..my mom's only sibling, her older brother.. died in an MVA, after his motorbike was hit by another bike. i could only imagine what my mom must have been feeling that day. we needed to stay strong for her, for my uncle's family, my cousin, and our opah.

all the sad stories aside, we did have things to be happy and thankful about. my parents got another grandson, in the name of Azhan Nazrie, my sister's 3rd kid, born on 27th May 2011. along with the 2 older kids, Amirah and Aliff, they remain our greatest loves, bringing us joy every time they are back from bintulu for a visit.

i got an aparment of my own, altho i havent had the chance to properly stay there yet. i also finally departed from my 1st baby-kelis3037-who had witnessed many tears, blood n sweat shed by me at her steering wheel. and i'm not ashamed to admit i bawled like a baby the day i gave her away..but it was in exchange for my current beau-PaulthePolo, so i recovered rather quickly. (yes, i name my cars.heee)

i feel like there were more to 2011 than what i've typed so far, but my mind is drawing a blank right now. probably it was those damn exams again, obscuring parts of my memory in my brain, or maybe i'm out of practice, havent made an entry in here for almost a year now.

i'm happy to report that i welcomed the new year more readily this year, even though it still brought with it another bigger number for my age as expected. i spent each meal on that day with different people, completing it off with a durian feast courtesy of my beloved brother. so i had a good birthday. probably because i also made sure that this time, i was not oncall that new year's eve.  i think people just love getting a kid on new year's day, coz let's face it, it IS cool to have new year's day as your birthday.

melancholic merapu

seeing things i shouldnt be seeing.

hearing things i shoudnt be hearing.

saying things i shouldnt be saying.

infuriating.

annoying.

frustrating.

disappointing.

depressing.

feeling like i shouldnt have these feelings.

hating for hating.

hating for loving.

loving to loving.

infuriating.

frustrating.

disappointing.

depressing.

dreaming, dreaming, and dreaming.

wanting.

why even bother wishing.

is it worth, the praying?

knowing that i shouldnt have these feelings.

drowning.

in desperation.

in own stupidity.

jodoh, jodoh, where art thou, jodoh?

someone said this to me a few weeks back:

you know, God make jodoh for each person in this world. there is no such thing as "tak ada jodoh". there is only lambat or cepat. so you know, dont give up on your jodoh, emie. he is out there for you. you just have to keep your eyes open, and you must always..believe.

sheesh. i felt like i was reading a "poyo" script in a malay tv drama.

i already know all that. why did this person feel like i need to be told of this again? am i giving the impression that i've given up? or that i dont think that i have a jodoh?

although i've to admit that i am lazy about keeping my eyes open.. coz whenever i have the chance, id like to catchup on my precious sleep.

but i digress.

yes, ok, so i know my jodoh is out there somewhere. he's just not here yet because:

1) he lives in another continent, and still has no idea where malaysia is

2) he's lost in his 4x4 in a remote jungle somewhere on his way to finding me

3) he's still too busy with his humanitarian work

4) he's still too busy governing his country

5) he's still too busy with his duties as sultan of his state (or country!)

6) he's a race car driver, who got into an MVA on his way to see me

7) he's dead (see you in the afterlife, baby!)

8) he got cold feet

9) he decided to turn gay instead

10) he hasnt turn 21 yet

11) he's not of legal-driving age yet

12) he's not baligh yet

13) he's just plain lazy (now THERE's a match made in heaven!)

huh. so i guess these can also double up as comebacks whenever people also ask "how come you're not married?" (see previous blog a few entries back)

cakap biar terang, doc!

a friend at work shared with me this one:

- her brother, who i take it from her description, is a bit on the overweight side, asked her opinion regarding a symptom he is having. she advised him to do a few blood investigations, which include few that requires him to fast first...lipid, sugars, etc. so she told him "ingat, puasa tau pegi amik darah2 tu".

so the brother literally "puasa" la.. .. he even woke up at 4 am to drink a full mug of milo as "sahur", and went to take the bloods at 7 am.

obviously, she only has herself to blame, for not clarifying to the brother earlier on how it actually works ;)

this one happened quite awhile ago already, at the previous place where i worked. i probably blogged about it already too, cant remember, but i still think it's funny..hehe.

- a chinese colleague was asking in malay, a young girl's parent whether her kid ever had an ultrasound done to look at her kidneys, "puan, anak puan punye buah pinggang ada pernah tengok tv ka?"

haha!

ini ada satu cerita..

once upon a time, there's this girl, err..let's call her rana.
rana works as a..umm...professional..err.. something-lah, doesnt really matter what, let's just say, she's a working professional. when she's not working, she hangs out with her friends, she drives around in her little fiat, she travels whenever she can, and she is for most of the time, fairly happy.
of course, people dont think that rana's happy because, well, rana is single, so how can she be?! she is unmarried, and for the most part of the past year, she has been unattached. she is not seeing anyone special, not even a shrink, so, yeah, she must be sad and depressed as hell.
norom, is one of the many people who thinks this of rana. so norom sets out to find rana a man. she told rana all about her friend, lucky. apparently lucky is a nice man, tall, dark and handsome. he owns a business, which was doing quite well. she told rana that she thinks rana and lucky will definitely make a lovely couple. so rana agreed to meet and get to know this lucky guy. true enough, he seemed nice (rana didnt wanna comment about the "tall, dark, handsome" part when i asked her about that), they mostly talked on the phone, but met only once, due to lucky's busy work schedule.
then one day, about 2 months after she introduced the two, norom pulled rana aside and giddily asked rana about her and lucky. so rana told her that things are going well, and yes, he seems like a nice guy.
norom then asked: so do you like him?
rana: (laughing) well, if i dont, then i wouldnt layan him on the phone until now lah!
norom: dia dah ajak kawin tak?
rana: weh.. no-lah! we're just starting to get to know each other!
norom: ehhh.. kan dah 2 bulan dah, takkan tak cukup kenal kot? kata selalu borak telefon?
rana: no-lah.. we're still friends only la..
norom: hmm..oklah. but you do like him dont you?
rana: (malu2) oklah..*smiles*
norom: oh.. good! i'm so glad. coz i was worried you know, that you would reject him,what with him still being married and all...
rana: *turned to stone for what felt like, an hour maybe, and just stared in disbelief at norom*
in her mind, the question she wanted to scream out to norom at the time was: holysh*tcr*p!!WTF??$$*^%#youthinking>>>;?::#*&F**sh**crazy??!!!.

but somehow, she recovered from her near-seizure, and tried as calmly as she could to ask instead: yeah. about that. why did you introduce us again? coz, you know, knowing he's married and all that.
and norom, being the moron that she is, said: well, he's not happy lah in his marriage. his wife doesnt treat him well, she really doesnt deserve him. he needs somebody that can make him happy. somebody like you, rana!
rana: ...............

-the end-

ps: should we laugh? or cry?

dedicated to other fellow single ladies out there!

these are some of the answers you can give people who ask you the inevitable question.. "bila nak kawin ni?", or better yet.."apsal tak kawin2 lagi ni?".
they are in no particular order, and are not copyrighted. feel free to use them as needed.

1) "oo.. dah set date hari tu tapi busy sangat, susah dapat cuti, so i actually missed my own wedding!!"
2) "banyak sangat calon ajak kawin, so dah suruh isi borang.. tapi still tak habis2 tapis lagi ni"
3) "banyak sangat calon, dah isi borang, dah tapis the top 10, tapi tunggu boss approve pulak"
4) "actually, dah kawin hari tu, tapi senyap2 aje.. shhh.. dont tell anyone ok?rahsia!!"
5) "umm.. dah set date, but i cant tell you.. you're not invited!"
6) "jomlah.. now also can!!*wink*" -->if it's a man asking.
7) "jomlah.. now also can!why not??*winkwink*" --> if it's a woman asking.
8) "13.13.2013"
9) "malas!"
10) dont say anything, but quiver your lips, force those bloody tears out of your eyes, nasal secretions too if you can (a bonus!), and bawl like a baby right there in front of them!
11) if #10 is too hard for you, then dont say anything, but make a fist with your dominant hand, and punch the person in the face (aim for the nose.. so the bloody tears come out of their eyes instead!)

i've been using them myself, but my favourites are #5, 6, and 9.

terkedu a moment

it was just 10 mins ago. i was browsing the net, not looking for anything in particular, was getting a bit bored actually..when i decided to google up my exes.
yup.. for some strange reason, i started typing up the names of guys i previously had r'ships with, one by one, on google. the 1st 2 names yield nothing interesting.. one i now know, has joined facebook and has gotten, err, 1 friend so far. another, whom i already knew from way before has already married, is now apparently still working at the same place he worked before.
then i typed the 3rd name. unlike the other 2, this guy i still keep in touch with from time to time- bday wishes, newyears, how're things...that sorta thing.. imagine my surprise when i found out from google that he's now married! there are photos and everything!
no, i'm not upset by the fact that he's married. i'm really upset that he didnt tell me! i mean, like i said, we were still in touch, even though mostly via sms. and we broke up years ago. why didnt he tell me?
hmph.
anyway, so i terkedu sekejap tadi. and terus tak jadi nak google nama2 yg seterusnye ;)

mother's instinct

these are some of the (scary) true stories i've heard from people about their maids. this in lieu of the recent news on maids being abused and so on. real names been changed for obvious reasons and just cause ;)

1) rozy was having a bad feeling about her maid. she couldnt specifically say what it is, but she told her husband that she's worried about how her maid fares at home when they're both at work. her husband reassured her that she shouldnt worry, from what he could see, she seemed to be okay with the kids. rozy wasnt convinced and couldnt get rid of her uneasy feelings. her girls were too young to tell her anything in details if she asked them. one was about 2 yrs and the other 8 months old. her husband then suggested that they get a webcam on their computer to "keep an eye" on the maid. so they did. and got the shock of their life.
scene: maid brought the younger girl (8-months) in front of the tv (which is where the computer and webcam were also placed) to change her diapers. she was watching the tv at the same time. baby girl, as usual, was struggling to get away from her, preferring to crawl away bottom-less and free. maid roughly struggled back with her to make her stay flat on her back. baby girl cried. maid then grabbed the baby's shoulders and shook her repeatedly, shouting at her to stop crying.
rozy, knowing all there is to know about shaken baby, brought the baby for a medical checkup after that (after sendinng off the maid of course). true enough, there were signs of shaken baby in her girl's brain already. apparently that wasnt the first and only time the maid had done that.

2) suzy was suspicious of her maid when she asked her for some money. it wasnt much, about rm50, and when she asked her what it was for, the maid said she had borrowed money from the maid working for suzy's parents, and needed to pay her back. so suzy gave the money to her maid, and later at her parents', asked their maid if her maid had paid the money back. their maid denied getting any and claimed she never loaned her any money in the 1st place. suzy then asked her maid again why she needed the money, and her maid confessed that she actually borrowed money from another friend, but she refused to tell who the friend was. suzy wondered who it was and when was it that her maid got to socialize. she suspected that it was when her older kids are at school, and only the youngest one at home. she told her husband this, and that perhaps they should install a cctv at the house to see what goes on during the day when they're at work. husband refuses since they cost a lot of money, and that she's probably worried too much about nothing. he suggested however on installing security alarms, due to the increasing number of break-ins they heard around the area, and they did.
one night they got the shock of their life when suddenly the newly installed alarms went off. they both ran down and saw that the front door was opened. the maid was in her room, shivering with fear, because apparently she was the one who had opened the door, not realizing about the new alarms. she was actually all ready and made-up for a night in town with her new boyfriend, and apparently that wasnt the 1st time she had sneaked out of the house at night after the family has gone to bed.

3) rudy and his wife have a business together. they have 4 kids, 3 in school, and the youngest, denny, is 2 yrs old. they have had different maids over a period of about 12 years now, no real problems, all the maids were sent back according to the scheduled contracts and whatnot. their latest maid has been staying with them for about a year now.
although they've never had any problems with their maids, rudy and his wife were always cautious, and they have had cctvs around the house for a number of years now. mostly for security, but it helped them keep an eye on the kids as well, where they can still see them from their office.
one fine friday, after the friday prayers, rudy got a call from his maid telling him that denny had bumped into a piece of furniture at home and now had a bruise on his nose. rudy went home and saw the bruise, a huge one across denny's nose, and also a small bleed in his conjunctiva (white eye). his wife was suspicious that the bruise was due to something else rather than bumping into the furniture, and so rudy reviewed the recording on the cctv for the day just to be sure.
scene: maid was feeding denny his lunch, and being the active boy that he is, denny refused to sit still while waiting to be fed. the maid got tired of shouting at him, and proceeded to slap him in the face (same site as the eye bleed) and didnt stop there when the boy started to cry. she then bashed him on the face and head with her fist, and when he fell, she then kicked him, and finally spit on him!!!
rudy was obviously so shocked when he saw this, told his wife, who was also too shocked and just too upset to see the tape. they brought denny to the hospital to be examined (he's okay, the lucky guy), then brought the tape and the maid to the police.

4) hady has 2 kids, a 2-year old boy, and 3 months old girl, and his wife has just gone back to work after the confinement period. they had a new maid to care for the kids, who they have trained in the past 3-4 months while the wife was still on maternity leave. one day, after about 2 weeks going back to work, the wife had to go outstation for a meeting and had such an uneasy feeling about the kids, she called hady and told him about it. she asked him to go home and check on them. usually, she was the one who would go home during lunch break because her workplace is real near their house. hady tried to reassure her that everything should be okay, and that she was probably anxious because this is the 1st time she's away from the kids, but she didnt believe him, at least until he promised her he would go home and check on them. so hady asked for a bit of time off from work that afternoon, and drove home. to his surprise when he got home, the front gate was locked as usual, but the front door was widely opened, and he could hear his son crying from inside the house, calling for mommy. he rushed in called the maid's name, and saw that his baby girl was in her cot dowstairs, sleeping, (and breathing, thank God), and then found his crying son upstairs in his bedroom. he called for the maid again but there was no answer. he asked his son where the maid was, but his son said he didnt know. apparently he woke up and when he couldnt find the "kakak" around the house, he opened the front door to see if she was outside but when he saw that she wasnt, he got scared and just went inside and cried instead. hady then informed his wife who immediately drove home, and they informed the police. they concluded that she left the house herself since she took all of her belongings with her. nothing was taken or stolen from the house neither.


i dont have a maid, and my family never had one (my dad "hired" his own sisters last time to help look after us when we were growing up), and i know for a fact that there are good reliable maids out there, but just to remind everyone to always be careful .. and to trust a mother's instinct.

kids?no kids?-part deux

i got "fired" by my friends pretty bad when i told them about my decision to not have any human kids of my own. they wouldnt hear a word from me when i tried to explain. of course, i realized too late that making the announcement when we all met at a friend's house to see her 2 month old newborn is probably not the best idea. also not the best answer to give when people you havent seen for awhile asked "so, what's new with you?".
sigh.

i should clarify here that this is something i've decided on should i manage to stay single my whole life. if, however, God has other plans for me, ie. marriage, then having a child then would be a blessing.

TQ.