mind your language - Canadian version

Me. 1st year in Canada. Talking to a Canadian classmate.
Tutor: Where in Malaysia are you from again?
Me: Kuala Lumpur.
Tutor: Oh, I thought the other day you said you were from somewhere else. Kay Elle or something.
Me: Yes. K. L. Short for Kuala Lumpur.
Tutor: Oh hey, yea. Smart!

Me.1st year med school. Presenting a medical case to my tutorial group.
Me: So the patient was then given adenosin as treatment.
Canadians: What's that?
Me: What's what? Oh, the treatment?
        Adenosin.
Canadians: Urm..never heard of it. What is it again? A drug?
Me: Yes. A drug. Ah-Day-No-Sin
Canadians: Gosh, maybe we're just not catching it eh? Can you say it again, slower this time...
Me: (wrote ADENOSINE on the whiteboard)
Canadians: Ahhhhhh.....eh-deh-ner-zieene
Me: Hee...

1st year med school. A Malaysian friend talking to a Canadian classmate.
Canadian: So are you going anywhere for the holidays?
Malaysian: Yes, I'm going to OTTawa actually.
Canadian: Ott-Ta-Wa ? Is that in Japan?
Malaysian: No. OTTawa here. In Canada. Your capital ciTy?
Canadian: Oh? Ohhhhh..  You mean Oar-da-wa.
Malaysian: Haa..yes.

Me. Bumped into Canadian classmate in town.
Canadian: Hey Emie! How're you? That's a nice sweater you have on. Where'd you get it?
Me: Oh thanks. I just got it at HSC over the weekend.
Canadian: HSC? Never heard of it. Where is it at?
Me: Um.. you know, Halifax Shopping Center, the mall?
Canadian: Owhh.. H.S.C.!
                 For Halifax Shopping Center!
                 That's clever! You guys sure like to shorten everything eh?
                 Remember K.L?
Me: (owh gawd)...

mind your language - Malaysian version.

At the clinic.
Scene 1. Chinese parents bringing in their baby.
Father: Doktor, tolong vakum ini budak.
Doctor: (hah?) Apa maksud you mau vakum?
Father: Dia sudah banyak hari bagut bagut.
Doctor: (hah?) Err.. apa tu
Mother (to the father) : Shenme sie "bagut"?
Father (to the mother): Kesou
Mother: Hiyaa.. BATUK la. Doktor, dia batuk batuk. So kita mau doktor vakum dia.
Doctor: Oo.. batuk ye. ada selesema? Flu?
Parents: Haa.ada leh. Banyak.
Doctor: Ooo.. so you mau saya "suction".. err.. sedut dia punya nose la?
Parents: Haaa yea..dia punya nose, kasi vakum!

Scene 2. Chinese grandmother asking about meds
Grandma: Doktor, itu ubat kalau saya simpan dalam peti surat berapa lama boleh simpan?
Doctor: Kenapa simpan dalam peti surat??
Grandma: Sudah pakai sikit, ada lebih, so saya simpan sana peti surat la.
Doctor: Oo.. u mean peti sejuk ka? Fridge?
Grandma: Haa...yea yea. Berapa lama boleh?

Scene 3. Foreign medical student presenting after getting history from an Indian mother regarding her child.
Student: Child has fever but no other symptoms suggestive of URTI.
Doctor: What sort of symptoms?
Student: There is no cough. No coryza. No sore throat.
Doctor (looking at the child sneezing, snorting, coughing right in front of them): Umm..
Student: I know doctor! But I asked the mom she kept saying no.
Doctor (to child's mother): Mak, anak you ada batuk?
Mother: *wobbles head* Ada.
Doctor: Ada selesema?
Mother: *wobbles head* Ada.
Doctor (to student): How long have you been in Malaysia?

SELAMAT HARI MALAYSIA!

kenapa anak saya takut doktor? (based on real-life events)

Scenario 1:
I meet an old frend/relative with his/her cute kid. Kid starts coming to me arms outstretched to salam or mintak dukung. I stretch my arms too, ready to receive the incoming bundle of cuteness and affection.
Kid's mom/dad: "Adik, acik ni doktor tau. Adik takut doktor kan?"
Kid: *patah balik* tak jadi kawan
Me: Dengki la. Kau memang nak anak kau benci aku ke apa?
What really bugs me: *Dahle le kau panggil aku acik!*

Scenario 2 (this happens ALL the time, but I especially hate it when it happens when I am just about to examine a kid):
Kid's mom/dad: "Haa, cucuk dia doktor, cucuk dia ni. Dia nakal sangat!"
Kid: *looks at me with those big eyes, lips tremble, mouth opens and .. *CRYYYY (as loudly as a kid can cry)
There are multiple reactions to this one ..
Me: *Acute deafness*
or ..
Me: Olololo ..tak cucuk la.. *dan ayat2 pujuk seerti dengannya*
or ..
Me: Dengki la uols. Kan dah nangis. (mood still good, laugh with parents)
or ..
Me : Donkey la korang  #@**!!^&;^%$#! (mood out, temper in, what I really wanna say, but dont say la of course, dalam hati only)