a silent outburst

the dreaded day came.
results were out friday.
only 2 people from my university passed.
i wasnt one of them.

i was nervous the whole night before that friday.
i was praying hard that i pass this time.
please dont let me fail again.
i dont know if i can handle another failure.

i thought i could pass you know.
i felt the difference this time around. the exam was still difficult, i didnt think i did too well on the 2nd day, but coming out of the exam hall on the 3rd (last) day, i actually felt a tiny glimmer of hope that maybe this time i can pass.
so when they told me i failed, this time i was shocked.
then disappointed.
and sad.
and i felt really stupid.
how could i have even thought i could pass?
i bawled like a big stupid baby driving home from work.

of course, i hate crying in front of people, so when i reached home, i still didnt feel like talking to anybody, went up to my room, locked the door, cried some more, cried in the shower, cried while praying, and then cried some more. a few people actually called me during this time (to ask me about different things, unrelated to the results), and i was surprised i could answer all the calls without a choke or croak in my voice (i probably sounded nasal, but that's how i sound normally anyway i think).

anyway, so i was initially planning to just sulk in my room the whole night but after about 2 hrs of crying, i got bored and actually felt dehydrated! so i decided to go out with a bunch of people for dinner. these are people i dont normally hangout with, and i'm not sure if they knew about my results, and lucky me, my eyes dont puff up even after all that intense crying, and so there was nothing physically evident outside that could tell them that inside, i was actually in a pretty devastated state. but i was glad i went out with them.. they were such a fun bunch, and i had such a good time that i actually forgot about the damn exam results.
by the time i got home, my housemates were in, probably all concerned about me, and because i was feeling much better, i was finally able to talk to them openly about how i felt..at least without anymore tears.

however the next morning when i wokeup, all the sadness and disappointment came back to haunt me, and the fact that i was oncall didnt help at all. all i could do was cry a little bit more, and pray that my call would be okay (thank God it was). in a way it was good that i had to work, cuz i could somehow distract my mind and thoughts to the sick babies i had to care for.

this morning post-call, i went for a facial, slept through the rest of the afternoon, still cried a bit, but just a bit ;) but am a lot better.
the past is done.
i need to work on the future.
i wanna figure out what my next steps should be.
this is my 6th time overall of sitting for these stupidsh*t exams!
that's more than enough to make me feel like a stupid sh*t!
right after i got the results, (i was in clinic, so i didnt want to talk to anyone about it face-to-face, afraid that my pipeworks will burst out in public and humiliate me to death!) i texted a friend who's also been unlucky in the exams department like me, and he simply said "this is it for me. i'm done with this. i'm leaving."
no doubt i'm feeling the same too. i wanna up and leave too.
but where would i go?
what's my excuse?
what are my plans?
i dont have kids to look after. i dont have a hubby that i need to worry about.
i have a turtle, but he's super low-maintenance ;)
i love my work actually (though i dont normally admit it).
i just hate these exams.
so maybe i'm not cutout to become a specialist, so what?
i'd end up a chronic m.o., or i could just leave the govt sector and be a doctor elsewhere. do locum. enjoy an exam-free life.
people would talk about me, make judgements, but i dont really care.
(anyway, digressing a bit here..i've heard of people who go to great lengths to hide the true facts about their results...sheesh..all that trouble just because you fear people looking down at you?
i came across this saying the other day in a book i'm reading "if you go through life wanting everyone to love you and no one hating you, you'll never have a happy life".
so there.)
back to me-the only other things is..i've been working with kids for like 6 years now (!)..so i dont think i can "do" adult medicine anymore. not without re-learning everything again.
and i hate these stupidsh*t exams that make me feel like a stupidsh*t. i already mentioned that.
so should i just stay on as chronic m.o. in paeds? i already mentioned that too.
will they let me?
is that what i want?
sigh.

as you can see, i still cant decide what to do next..