to grieve to bereave

i was in kl for the weekend. attended a grief and bereavement counselling workshop. the speaker is a bereavement counsellor from hong kong. she’s really good. learnt a lot about death, mainly the coping mechanisms for the bereaved, and how, as professionals, we can help them through the difficult times.

for me, working with sick kids at the hospital means mainly trying my best at finding out the cause of their illness, and then to try and make them better. and them being kids, cant help but play and joke with them as well, try and make them forget about their illness if not for a lil bit. but it also means inevitably having to see some of the kids die as well. which then brings me to the most difficult task of all....informing the parents of the devastating news.
(yea, it's not the diagnosing part, not the curing part, not even having to work 33 hrs straight when i’m oncall, nor the part when the nurses call me at 3 am to ‘revive’ a dying child.. they’re not as difficult as actually telling parents that their baby, their child.. is dying, or worse...dead)
it just seems.. illogical. we accept that evryone dies. but we also have this picture in our minds that in the cycle of life, when we become parents, we will care for our children, play with them, watch them grow up, teach them about life, pray that we live long enuff to see them become parents themselves, and we get to be grandparents. then if we die, we would die before our children, and our life cycle is complete. but obviously, that's not how it goes for evryone. and that's why, to me, it's more difficult telling parents their child is dead, than vice versa.

i cant getaway from it of course, talking to the parents. so i do what i can. put on an empathic face, clear my throat, and tell them. at times, i meet them again in a few weeks at our bereavement clinics, these parents who have lost their child (there’s no specific word used to describe such parents btw-like 'orphans', or 'widows'). in the clinic, we talk to them, clarify the cause of death, answer their questions, and mainly see how they’re coping after the death, help them "move on" healthily and safely. by then, some parents have accepted it, some dont, some blame it on themselves, some blame us, some dont want anymore kids, afraid to have to go through the pain again.

what i’ve realized now is that, having been in the field for 5 years now, i seem to have gained this ability to automatically detach myself emotionally from a dying patient altogether, no matter how close i was to that patient the whole time he/she was alive under my care. and i would show my empathy with the parents, share their sadness, advise them about life (cewah!) and why they have to continue living, etc..and when they're out of the room, i get on with my life, with work, like nuthin happened.

at the workshop they say it's ok if we shed a tear with the parents. it's ok to even cry a little afterwards. but they also advised that we "cleanse" ourselves before we go back home..it's not healthy.
myself? i totally do not have a problem with that. i dont need to cleanse anything cuz there's nuthing to cleanse. once the dead body is "discharged to heaven", or once the parents leave the clinic, then my job is done. one less sich baby to worry about.
some people would say "that's good. that's why you can do this kinda thing. if it was me, i'd bawl so much, the bereaved would have to console me instead!"
there are also those who say " wow, you see and handle death evryday at work. you must be used to it. tak heran pun ek?"
i always dunno what to say exactly.
cuz at the same time.. i feel like.. i dunno.. kinda cold inside... if i actually tell them outloud that "yeah..it's nothing. i'm not bothered at all by it. tak heran"

anyway, alhamdulillah so far i've never had anyone complain that i was "insensitive" or "inappropriate" when i deal with a dead patient, or talk to their families. so at least whatever it is i'm not feeling inside of me doesnt exactly show on my face (it's a capricorn thing :)). i just have to keep reminding myself to nurture more emotions, if only to make me feel more human i guess.
dunnolah whether i'm even putting down properly in writing here exactly what i think i actually wanna say..haha.

back to the workshop, the speaker like i said, is a bereavement counsellor and was really good. she really loves what she's doing, and hearing all her stories and experiences actually made me love her job as well. and i only learned then that we dont have such professional position here in msia. so people like me get stuck with it, even though we're not as intensively and properly trained as she is.
anyway, but i was glad i attended the workshop..even it was just over a short time, i learned a lot about dying....and more importantly, about living.

an update

view from my mom's hospital room. kl traffic at 5 pm.

2 weeks ago my mom was admitted to the hospital for dengue. she rarely gets sick. the last time she was ever admitted was when she delivered my youngest brother, 26 yrs ago. my father-being the chronic chain smoker that he was, is the opposite. he had been in & out of hospital quite a few times in the past 10-15 yrs. from stuff as mild as gastritis, to major surgeries for necrotizing pancreatitis, and a quad bypass just 2 yrs ago. it was a scary moment for everyone then. esp because of his smoking, doctors warned us that he might not get off the ventilator easily post-op. thank God that he did ok, but that finally got him off the cigs. so far.

anyway, back to my mom, she’s better now. it was just mild dengue, not hemorrhagic but because she was too dehydrated and had a urine infection on top of that, she was kept in the hospital for a few days. i caught up with my reading masa jaga dia tu and also caught 'bawang putih bawang merah' - people been talking about this indon soap - finally dapat tengok, and seronok dok kutuk the show and teased my mom camne la dia boleh suka tengok..hehe.

syawal is still on. but after the 1st week, raya sorta mellowed down for me. I only managed to go to 1 open house this year and that was it. macam malas je. and always penat too for some reason.

then I attended this bereavement course over the weekend (blog coming later). managed to "squeeze time" (ie sneaked out of) to see some friends. even tho evryone was also busy with their own plans for the weekend, and evryone was saying that they each cant stay for long, but we did anyway. friday nite - jo, al and me actually stayed up till 4am even tho the plan was to be back home by 1-me cuz i had to be at the course by 8 the next day, jo was the maid of honor at a wedding the next day, and al had to make agar2 (hehe). same thing happened on sunday-me, i was supposed to teman my sis get groceries at 5pm, and g was suposed to go jogging - both plans were cancelled and we all stayed an hour later than planned ;)

did the usual lah:eat, drink, catch up on things, complain about work, whine about life, talk about the men in our lives-the very few we adore, and the many more whom we just love to hate. indeed, we’re picky-but we have to be, in this day and age, with the kinda weirdos out there, failed relationships don’t just give you a broken heart or at least a hate mail anymore.. you can actually get killed/chopped/bombed to pieces for all you know!
speaking of which.. I thought our conversations are now a bit mature too (er—about time? hehe) .. we even chatted about politics, and religion, etc. and i didnt even get bored! but then how can i? there is never a dull moment with these people.

drove back to melaka early this morning - left kl at 530am. cuz there was this huge thunderstorm around 7pm just as i was planning to leave, and there was no way i was gonna waste it on driving - i mean, it's the best time for naps, so i did, and i "napped" for about an hour or so. then amirah was being all noisy, and cute and playful and stuff that i felt like rugi pulak to nap when i can actually play with her. so i did. and so tak jadi balik malam tu.

then tadi kerja as usual-busy morning, then petang i was like a zombie already.

habis. i'm hitting the sack now.

books read this year (or still reading..)

since i gave up on exams this year, i had plenty of time to catch up with reading stuff other than medical textbooks. just felt like listing them down (sbb takde idea nak blog apa malam ni).
they are in random order..

• a short history of nearly everything-bill bryson
• memory of running-ron mclarty
• stardust - neil gaiman
• shanghai baby-wei hui
• undomestic goddess-sophie kinsella
• anansi boys - neil gaiman
• american gods-neil gaiman
• the tipping point -malcolm gladwell (not done yet-it's non fiction ;))
• daughters of arabia - jean sasson
• stories of the prophets
• marvel 1602 -neil gaiman
• strangers in paradise book 1 -terry moore
• neverwhere - neil gaiman

hmm... i think there are 2-3 more titles that should be up there as well, but i cant seem to remember. but hey, not too bad at all. compared to last year..only managed to read 4 (dan brown's famous 4). 'course, comics and graphic novels take less time (even tho they cost a lot more - sigh.. why do books here cost SO much anyway? well.. they told me why.. but.. i still think they can be cheaper dammit!!)

btw, kinda obvious that it's this year that i fell in love with neil gaiman's books aint it? i mean, i read the sandman series before, back when i was still a university student, not the whole lot cuz i was borrowing them from the library (which is another thing that needs serious help/attention here in msia) and couldnt get the whole collection..and i guess i was distracted with a whole lotta other things then too, like borrowing movies too..sigh..sometimes i miss canada.. and bagels.. and..so...um... what was i trying to get at again? o yea..so this year i've been spending a lot more time at the bookstores again so i guess i sorta rediscovered him (gaiman) and his great imagination.. and so i'm a fan once again.

oklah.. actually i was planning to comment a bit on each of the book, like/dont like/cool/boring/suck..that sorta thing (heck, i'm not a book critic pun) but anyway tak jadi cuz it's too lewat malam alrdy, so gonna go to bed instead (alrdy on the bed actually-o but u know what i mean..)

nite world..

i was supposed to prepare for a talk for tomorrow. well i did. for awhile. then i got bored and decided to change my laptop's wallpaper..yet again. ever since we got amirah (my niece), her photos have been gracing my computer. but now i've got too many of them that i dunno which to pick anymore. so decided to put up a bunch of them together. she's so cute. i'm gonna spoil her rotten.

now back to that dang talk..

back when i was 15...

read my ol journal back when i was in boarding school, and came across this puisi thingy that i actually made up around the time i was stressed out preparing for SRP.

SRP,
kau datang sebok2
ngacau2 aku
aku belum ready
nak hadapi
dirimu itu.
salah aku ke?

aku rasa iye..
padan muka,
kalau lingkup?
issh..harap idak le..

SRP,
boleh tak kalau..
kau ditangguhkan?
boleh tak kalau..
aku dikecualikan?
boleh ke aku..
menaruh harapan?
boleh...setakat P8!

SRP,
aku tulis puisi ini
waktu maghrib begini,
konon2 lepas tension.
aku rasa aku ni bangang
azan dah lama berkumandang
aku masih setaraf dengan..
kerbau berkubang!
patutnye aku pegi mandi
lepas sembahyang
boleh study.

boleh tahan jugak..hehe. but if i have to create anything like that again..dont think i can do it anymo. i remember writing up stories when i was in school. essays/stories that the english teacher made me read up in class or tampal on the class board. i remember in form 2 or 3, ms eliza made a few us in class record ourselves reading our so-called creative stories on tape. i wonder if she kept the tapes.

oh..and then there was this sorta mini novel that i wrote too(took up a whole exercise book). i called it "base III". nuthin to do with the bases dating couples move onto on each date mind ya (naughtynaughty.) but was some sorta refugee/army base camp that held most of my friends captured by enemies...and um..

oklah, ceritanye camni (hehe)..there was this world war that caught evryone in the world off-guard (yes, i had to take sejarah for SRP). whole msia kena bomb, including la our school ..many students were captured as tebusan, but me and my friends escaped cuz being the delinquents that we were, during the school raid/bombing, we were skipping class, and were in our hideout, which was so well hidden lah kononnye, even the so-called world enemies whose army troops were invading the country couldnt find. and so the whole story was about our journey to save our family n friends, to help them escape from this "base III", which was somewhere at the pahang-kelantan border.our school was in melaka, so jauhla perjalanannye kan.. so on the way tu macam2 happened, adventure la, and even romance pun ada selit2 jugak..real-life couples and crushes semua i included..alah..girl A who had a crush on boy B in real life. I wrote that she fell down a big hole, and B tried to save her, only to fall down the hole as well, so they were stuck there awhile, just the 2 of them, till help arrived. and they got to talking. and got to to know each other. and fell for each other..that sorta thing la. innocent jek ;)

as for the wardens/teachers we didnt like and goody 2-shoe-students who liked to snitch on us, they became the enemy-under-the-blanket...kira pembelot la..in the story. they worked for the enemy, so in the end during the 'great big escape' from the base, we get to kill them all..muahaha.

i remember reading the story outloud to my close friends in our dorm, and we daydreamed about having it made into a movie one day (and for some reason we wanted aziz m othman to direct ;))

but u know the sad thing? sometime after high school, when my parents left to work overseas, and we had to rentout our house in kl, and so had to move our stuff back to our kampungs (both melaka n perak), and evrything went evrywhere.... my novel just went missing. i havent seen it since.

*sigh*

anyway, going back to this journal i had when i was a teen.. the cover was full with stickers saying "keep away!" "dont peep!" "TOP SECRET" etc. on the 1st page, i wrote a warning, for people not to proceed to the other pages, "to read is strictly forbidden, not now, not ever. SERIOUSLY!"

the answer to each question is "yes"

1) "doktor pun pakai selipar ke?"

2) "doktor pun bawak botol air ke?"

3) "doktor pun bawak (kereta) kelisa je?"

4) "doktor pun nak cuti/raya ek?"

5) "doktor pun boleh sakit?"

adoi.. so far no one's dungu enuff to ask "doktor boleh mati tak?" .. cuz if ada org ask me that, then i'll just turn green and cry bloody tears i think.

but then ada jugak people ask us "if we agree to this drug/procedure/surgery that u're telling us, u can jamin esok baik ka?".
haloo.. i cant even jamin that i myself will idup esok hari to tell u of your progress. sheeshh..it's one thing la if these people who ask us these things have no belief in god/religion/fate whatsoever.. but when i get questions like these from a pakcik yg pakai ketayap or other fellow muslims jugak tu yg tak tahan tu.. godalmighty..sabar jelah.

tetiba teringat lak...
the poor doctor who was in the news not that long ago. she was accompanying a patient to another hospital when the ambulance they were riding in met with an accident. she was in a coma in the ICU for 15 days before finally passing on.
when i accompany patients in the ambulance, it just never crossed my mind before that i could die doing it.. i mean, of course bila dah ajal tu, anytime anywhere pun can die la kan, but u know, many of us worry about accompanying patients, especially emergency cases, in the ambulance. but not because of the thought that we could die doing it lah.. for me personally, i was more nervous than anything else.. did we bring evrything? will i get motion sickness (god, please dont make me vomit) will the patient be ok? what to do if the patient turn from bad to worse, and i have to resuscitate in an old turbulent ambulance trying to 'fly' at 140km/h?

after her death, berkobar2 the ministry wanna upgrade the ambulance service in this country.
anyway, alfatihah to her and takziah to her family.

these are not their real names..

these are stories of real relationships of real people that i know. they're some good ones, and some bad ones. however, their names have been changed to obviously protect their privacy :) if u ask me whether these stories affect my own views on relationships..umm.. yeah.. cant help that they do actually.

1) john & leyla
they met at university and fell in love. they were evrywhere together. evryone knew about them. got married after graduation. got 2 kids. became working parents. one day, he told her he wants her to know that he's getting close to a woman at work..BUT she's more like a little sister than anything, AND yes, they hangout quite a bit at work, BUT nothing's going on..she was having some serious personal problems with her family, AND has no one to turn to, SO he's just helping her out. he was telling her because he didnt want her to get any wrong ideas if she were to hear about it from other people first. leyla didn't completely swallow evrything though. but she accepted his explaination. she did remind him that they both should remember that particular conversation that day(and by they she meant him).
then about a few months after that, he broke down in front of her that he's in love with the other woman (yeah, the one he was treating "like a little sister") and he felt really guilty cuz he really loves leyla too. they both cried and he promised her he will leave the woman because he didnt think he could live with the guilt. and he couldnt imagine leaving the kids. leyla accepted his apology, and his promise.
a year later.. john & leyla divorced. he broke his promise (apparently he couldnt stop loving the other woman no matter how hard he tried) and married the woman. leyla got custody of the kids, john gets to visit them once a week. according to leyla, he just visits them twice a month now, at the most.

2) yana & bob
yana studied in the east. bob in the west. first time they met, yana fell in love with bob. she travelled to visit him any time she could. they kept in touch. she told bob how she felt. bob said he felt the same way. he graduated earlier and started working. she continued on with her studies. they talked about getting married after she's done. by the time she graduated, they had gone out for 5 years.
then he told her that all these years they were together, he never actually "loved" her. he went along with the relationship cuz she was such a nice person and he didnt want to hurt her. most importantly, he didnt want her studies to be affected if he told her earlier.
yeah. he's such a saint.
they broke up. not long after, bob got another girlfriend. he's now married i think. yana is successful and still single.

3) wan & elly
the couple was introduced to each other by a mutual friend. he was studying overseas, she locally. they kept in touch, saw each other whenever he was back home. fell in love. got married after graduation. they're now expecting their 1st child.
the cool thing was that, when they each told their parents about the other, they found out that their parents were actually friends way back when wan & elly were little. the 2 families used to have meals together, and wan & elly were actually playmates. they had lost contact with each other after evryone moved away, and the kids were just too young to remember each other. wan's mom found a yellowing photo of the two families together with the 2 kids sitting right beside each other. she cut the part out, enlarged it, framed it, and they had it displayed on their wedding day.

4) aidan & shasha
they were colleagues, became friends, became lovers. problem was, they were of different religions. shasha has strong faith in her beliefs, and aidan was willing to convert and marry her. shasha's family were accepting. aidan's father had a heart attack when he told the family about her. aidan couldnt take seeing his father so ill and so disappointed. shasha couldnt take continuing the relationship in secret, not knowing if they will ever have a future together. but they were still so deeply in love that they ended up still seeing each other anyway. but when they bumped into aidan's parents one day, it was obvious that his parents were still very upset and were not giving in. it was then that aidan said he couldnt choose between his family and shasha, he loves them both. shasha said he would have to.
he chose his family.

5) deedee & russell & anne
russell and deedee knew each other from the internet. he was open from the beginning about being a married man. deedee was in a long-distance relationship. they became friends. she broke up with her boyfriend, but didnt tell russell right away. she felt that the friendship is "safe" as long as they know that each were not available.
he then confessed he was falling in love with her. she refused to accept. he's married to anne. they have 5 kids. he claimed he's never experienced true love with anne. they were just neighbourhood friends. anne was actually marrying another guy, but just a few days before the wedding, the guy broke off the engagement. russell's mom then told him to be a man and save his dear friend from embarassment. and he did, "replacing" the groom on the fixed wedding date. 5 kids later, he told deedee the above, and proposed.
at first she didnt fall for it. but he was such a "wise, mature gentleman" and he loves her so much ..and you know what they say, (apparently) it's best to be with a man who loves you more than you love him..hmm.. and so she later accepted his proposal, and became his 2nd wife.

6) norma & aaron
norma was working in a tin factory after high school when she had an unfortunate accident. the tips of her right 4 fingers had to be amputated. after marrying aaron, she became a housewife. he was only a laborer, working hard to make ends meet. after the amputation, norma had phantom pain in her fingers, made worse evrytime she does manual laundry (the bristles of the brush gave her chilling pain to the bones). when aaron found out, he worked harder than ever and made enough to buy her a washing machine. norma nagged him about it of course. he just shrugged it off.
aaron's father's health was ailing, and his mother hated norma. did evrything to make him leave her. aaron stuck by his wife, ignored his mother..but instead of leaving his old parents though, he actually built a house right beside theirs so he can still keep an eye on them. norma had a terrible time but never left his side, never returned the attack and abuse (mostly verbal but they were a few physical ones too!)from her mother in law. their strong patience paid off though. the mother in-law actually repented and now they have a healthy relationship.
then, during norma's 3 rd pregnancy, she developed really bad hypertension that persisted post-delivery. aaron was so concerned that he called me frequently throughout the pregnancy and after to ask about medical things, how to help his wife, what her blood tests meant, etc. he would take days off work when she was ill, even if it meant being fired from his job, to help cook and take care of norma and the kids.
he moved from one job to another, all the while with his wife supporting him no matter how difficult things got. now they have 4 healthy sons, he's running his own business, they paid off all their debts, are doing very well .. and still the humble and loving couple i've always known them to be.

any significance?

weird dream last nite.
in the dream, i have 3 pets. a snake, a tortoise, and a frog. i live in an old kampung house, with an attap roof and dirt floors. then one day there was a flood (or some kind of natural disaster, can't remember exactly), so i had to leave the house, and in the emergency, i accidentally "packed" all 3 pets together. the tortoise immediately ate the frog, and as i realized what i'd done, i tried to get the tortoise before the snake got to him. the snake, which was a bright yellow python btw, put up a fight, and snatched the tortoise off my hand, pecked away at it's belly and gorily gobbled him up. the snake then ran away, and for some reason i got worried that it was gonna eat up a baby or a small kid, so the rest of my dream was spent chasing after this snake. when i finally caught it, i smashed it with a rock repeatedly till i was sure it was dead. then i cried.
i woke up at 3 am, frowned, then slept again. not sure if i had another dream after that.

motivate me

i was at a cpr course today, as an instructor. met a fellow instructor who tried to get me into one of those multi-level marketing thingys. a business opportunity basically. this isnt the first time people tried to get me into these things. she said i dont even have to spend much time on it, i can still go to work as usual, and make some extra money on the side. but i still have to get other people interested, and have them buy things, and when they buy them i'd have to go get them things and deliver them to the buyers. i'm not interested because i know the kind of person i am. i just love my free time too much. if i dont actually have to work..well, i wouldnt. i would love the extra money of course, and if i put my mind to it, i'll probably be able to do it, but who am i kidding? it wont last. i cant even commit to a once-a-week swimming class- i went to the 1st two classes, then missed the next 6..before feeling guilty and finally attended the class again yesterday ;). and i have so many projects that i've been planning to do... most of them still not even started yet.
yup, that's my problem. i just cant commit. i admire this woman tho.. she's around my age i think, got 2 kids, works as a doctor at a govt clinic, and has been involved in this business for a year now. money aside, she said she's doing it to help people. that's her motivation..being able to help people earn more money.
hmph.. i guess i was at the cpr course today cuz i um, wanna help people too? err..well.... that and the fact that there was this really cute guy there.. he was one of the participants. got so psyched when i got to be his examiner during the practical today (hee). great motivation.

the wedding

went down south to a cousin's wedding. she's 19, married now to a 25yr old. they're in love.
and it was a fun reunion, aunts, uncles, cousins, kids, babies.
'course, it was just a few days ago that the nation 'celebrated' the ultimate wedding of the year. u must be living under..well, not living, if u live in msia, and not heard about this singer's wedding. people talk about it many weeks before the actual date, and of course, will still talk about it weeks after. so what do i have to say about it?
well i honestly dont give a damn about who this pretty girl marries (i didnt even watch the thing actually).what would have shocked me is if she actually announced to everyone that she's NOT the marrying kind..haha.
they call her the pop princess, and her wedding was supposedly a girl's dream wedding of royal proportions. but people definitely have different opinions about her 47 yr-old price charming though.. i already said i dont give a damn, but i wanna just share here what my cousin's lil'
4-yr old had to say..
she saw the wedding on tv, and when the groom kissed the bride on the cheek, she innocently pointed out to her parents: "look, her dad's kissing her!".
then when the couple were cutting the cake together, the kid asked: "why is she cutting the cake with her dad? where's her husband?"
and when it was pointed to her that the man she thought was the singer's dad is actually the husband, she refused to believe her parents!
kids are the cutest things arent they? honestly!

gunny baby

MALACCA: A newly-born baby girl was abandoned in a sundry shop lavatory for 10 hours on Wednesday by a widow who thought the infant had died at birth.It was only after Malacca Hospital authorities treating the widow for bleeding realised that she had just delivered, did the story emerge.Gynaecologists suspected something was amiss when the woman denied having given birth despite the obvious signs of delivery.They called in a cousin of the 35-year-old who got to the bottom of things after speaking privately to her.The cousin rushed to the shop, where the widow worked, and found the baby in a gunny sack about 10pm.The infant was rushed to the hospital and placed under observation in the children’s ward.It is understood that the 2.4kg infant will be handed over to a relative’s family as the widow had given permission to hospital authorities to do so.The episode began about noon when the widow gave birth.Thinking that the baby had died, the mother of two placed the infant in the sack and left her in the lavatory.She then sought treatment at a nearby clinic but was referred to the hospital where she coughed up the truth that she had abandoned the baby in the shop.State Human Resources, Health and Consumer Affairs Committee deputy chairman Datuk Abu Pit, who visited the baby yesterday, said she was healthy despite not having been fed for 10 hours.

this was in the news a few days ago. i'm usually skeptical when it comes to reading or watching news in the paper, tv, or worse..the internet.. but i can assure you that the above really happened.
the baby's amazing.. except for some minor abrasions on her little knees, she's doing quite well currently. a great fighter-survivor. other babies would throw a fit -literally- if not fed for just 2-3 hours after delivery, she survived for 10!
in the news, they made the mother sound slightly more humane that i think she is though. she initially refused to tell everyone where exactly she left the baby, adamantly saying that the baby's already dead anyway.

pee please..

did u know?
if you're working for the msian govt, you have to get a "confirmation" from the govt, and only then would you be able to claim the so-called benefits that come with being a govt employee. like choosing your pay scheme,EPF vs pension, or applying for a housing loan, or continuing your education into a masters program, etc.
in order to get this confirmation, you have to go through the induction course or kursus induksi, which i know for doctors, you're only elegible to attend after working more than a year in any of the govt hospitals in msia. then you have to pass the actual course (which means attending a 2-3 week course at a supposedly remote resort somewhere away from your workplace), then pass the written exams they have for you at the end of that course. then you wait for the results, which take many months later.. and if you pass, you'll get a letter of confirmation (which, if you're lucky,also takes many2 months later to appear, by then you've probably forgotten all about it anyway....unless you're really desperate for that housing loan, or masters program-which you're only eligible to apply after 4 yrs of working anyway!i digress......and if you're not so lucky, then the letter will never even appear!)
now, say you're one of the lucky ones who have been waiting forever for the precious confirmation letter so that you can go ahead and make that housing loan your parents really want you to make.. dont get excited yet. no, it's not over yet. oh no. and this is a true story, happened to my friend just recently:
you get your precious confirmation letter, you go to the admin office to see whomever it is in charge, only to be told this : sorry doc, it seems that earlier before you even started working (which was 3 years ago) and we asked for a medical checkup.. your check-up, xray and urine tests were done at a PRIVATE medical center, which is not acceptable, even if it was done by a doctor registered to the govt (cuz you cant practice in msia if you're not registered right). so, until you go get another medical check up in a GOVT hospital and get your xray done, and you pee for us again, and make sure the pee goes to a legit govt hospital lab, i'm afraid this confirmation letter ain't gonna mean much shit!
of course that wasnt exactly how the conversation went, my friend said the lady was really quite polite, but you see what i'm getting at? my friend has to go get the whole thing done again. and she is a registered doctor herself, working IN a govt hospital for more than 3 years now. obviously it's not difficult to get any of her doctor friends to sign her medical check up form for her. they dont even have to lie about anything, she's damn healthy.. unless you count being overwork and underpaid a disease, but let's not get into that now shall we?.. but she'd still have to get that damn xray done, and send off that damn urine again. i mean, it's not even a urine test for drugs or anything like that u know.. just a microscopic look at the cells in the urine. so what if my friend has a urinary tract infection, she's not "fit" to work for the govt? cant ask for that housing loan? tsk..tsk..
and even if she gets them all done again anyway, who knows how many moons later would she be able to proceed to next step to getting that damn loan.
sheeeesshhh...

latest love(s)

movie: pirates of the carribean-dead man's chest
movie(s) (on dvd): 1)i not stupid too
2)transamerica
3)jarhead
book(s): 1)stardust - neil gaiman ..cant wait for the movie!
2)anansi boys - neil gaiman (photo)
food:cheezels
drink:green apple juice @amigos melaka
song(s):1)celebrate the day (world cup) .. yeah i know it's over. still cant get over the song tho.
2)cobalah utk setia-kris dayanti.... i was told that this song aint really new, but i just discovered it and am impressed by kris' vocals.
3)marching bands of manhattan-deathcab by cutie
4) tom's diner-suzanne vega - rediscovered this song. used to love it and still do cuz it makes a non-singer like me seem able to sing ;)
tv show: err.. none lately.
dreamdate(s): 1)jake gyllenhal (photo)
2)wentworth miller
eyecandy: 25 yr-ol cutie i just met recently. not so much his looks,but his voice..so husky!hehe..

nostalgic visit

i went to my old school today. to talk to the kids about what i do. my friend lo made me go.. woke me up real early in the morning...before 9am.. on a sunday too!.. to go join the alumni give a career talk to a bunch of 17 yr olds.
so i dragged my butt there and well....i'm actually glad i did!

it was really a great walk down memory lane. lo and me were both late (some things never change ;)) , they've already started anyway so we both just went and took a walk around the campus first. boy.. every nook and corner brought back memories!
the main hall ..where we had our assemblies, major exams, and badminton matches.
the classrooms.. where we obviously had our classes, meetings and the so-called dates..
the toilets..where my close girlfriends and me would meet at the same exact time every night during prep class to catch up on the latest gossips and re-do our hairs (those humangous front upsweeps of the late 80's required frequent maintenance u know).
the music class..where i went to learn the drums, and practised dance steps to sheila majid's warna (twas an assignment for music class ok..)

the field..where we played softball with the boys, and i cheered my sweetheart during his 100m sprint on sports day...sigh.. (hearts in eyes now)
the netball court..
the dining hall..
the dorm..
ahh... the dorm.. memories there were the best and most vivid in my memory. girls just wanna have fun u know? course, i cant jot down evrything on here.. this IS a public blog yeah? there were certain things that were kept hidden from the authorities, namely the wardens, and u know.. they might come across this..and o well, i'm just tired now actually.. it's already past midnite, and i did get up before 9 today..on a sunday!

i treasure all the memories.. i do, but for now, i'll just keep them to myself... and go to bed.

oh..and yeah, we did get ourselves back to the actual career talk. managed to tell the kids to rethink about their future carefully. gave them the real picture about what's waiting for them out there.. no matter what they decide to do in the end.

favourite footballers

so the world cup's finally over. means my circadian rhythm can get back to normal again. felt like i've been jetlagged the whole month, what with sleeping after midnite, and waking up again at 3am, then brief sleep for an hour or 2, before waking up again for work. then in between those disrupted nights, a doc's gotta be oncall too... so yeah well, sorta glad it's over. obviously no one's gonna take pity on me if i complain about not having enuff sleep cuz of football right? ;)

just thought i'd list down my favourite players for this year (they're in no particular order.. and the letters S, for skills, and L, for looks, simply explains why each one of them are on my list, and whether it's the skill or the looks that attracts more ;)):
-joe cole (S=L)
-michael ballack (S=L)
-luca toni (L>S)
-simao sambrosa (S>L)
-zidane (S>L)
-klose (S)
-beckham (L>S)
-fabio cannavaro (S=L)
-owen hargreaves (S>>L)
-freddie ljungberg (L>>>S)
-luis figo (S>>L)
-nesta (usually it's S=L, but since he's mostly on the bench this time, it's just L for now :))
-rio ferdinand (S)
-del pierro (S>L)
-lehmann (S)
-o'donkor (S)
-andriy schevchenko (L>S, seemed he didnt play his usually great self)
-arne friedrich (S=L)
-bastian schweinsteiger (S)
-sebastian kehl (S>L)
-cristiano ronaldo (S=L, but too bad he likes to play dirty!such an actor..)
-hidetoshi nakata (usually S=L too, but not too impressive this time around, so just L for him too)
-john terry (S>>L)

as for teams, germany was my most favourite for this year, followed by italy, france and england. for me, the best time was when brazil went out of the tournament. nothing against them but there was too much hu-hah about the team and how people were so confident that they would win again that got me un-interested. yes, i thought they were a pretty impressive team going into the tournament, but i was hoping for different teams to be in the finals this year, just for the sake of getting an unexpected ending, and it did, and that was great! (just like in the movies-lah.. for me,the predictable storylines suck the most).
and o-boy..zizou's exit? how unexpected was that? it was great and yet not-great at the same time!

and it was great to find out too, that at work, i wasn't the only one always groggy by mid afternoon from staying up for world cup.apparently quite a number of my colleagues (female ones!) actually follow the matches (and obviously players) too. there were also a few of them who actually woke up at 3am, (cuz they were supposed to wake their boyfriends/hubbies up)and ended up watching the games by themselves.. (cuz let's face it.. it ain't easy to disrupt a man's bedtime right?)
and btw, notice how ads/campaigns/cartoons in the media mostly depicted how "absorbed" the men were with the world cup that they leave the women "sleepless and lonely in bed", or "free to go shopping" (come on-lah, if you're in msia, where would you go at 3 am? sheesh..). i really think they should come up with different scenarios for the next world cup ads ;)

and yeah, to quote the men out there.."even tho the world cup's ended, there's always the EPL, the Spanish league, etc.." will be looking fwd to those, so i can get a glimpse of my favourite players in action again. ole!

when i grow up...

england playing against trinidad tobago. got last 2 weeks' laundry going in the machine. downloading songs from the net. thinking about work and how depressed i've been in the past few weeks. (yeah, old news--> girls multi-task)
let's see.. when i was in primary school, i had wanted to become a librarian, obviously cuz i love to read and used to frequent the school and public libraries, so 'course i thought what better way to get your collection of books for free than to actually work at a nice big library!
the books also made me list "private investigator" as one of my career possibilities, thanks to nancy drew, the hardy boys, and enid blyton's the famous5. o yeah..and tv's macgyver and magnum p.i. hehe.
and my love for the books, made me start writing my own short stories, some of which i had shared with friends, some i kept for myself and had pictured myself as a writer when i grow up.
then my dad made me go to a science based boarding school... and most kids i knew started listing teachers, lawyers, or doctors as their ambitions. one friend even said she wanted to be an oceanographer!..and i never knew the job..or the word even, existed before, so i told people i wanted to become a scientist instead.
but i also discovered that i really loved dancing..both modern and traditional dances, and i got involved in many dance shows for school and such, and i remember secretly writing in my journal at the time that i wanted to become a dancer!
then school became "serious". there were major exams to sit for..and they didnt just want us to pass u know, but to pass with great excellence. the career options again became doctors, engineers, or accountants.
it was really much later in high school that i tell people i wanted to become a doctor. at the time, i really couldnt picture myself doing anything else.
if i could live parallel lives right now.. i actually see myself as a travel photographer..or a librarian (yup, the childhood ambition still! hehe) or a physiotherapist, or a speech language pathologist..or what the heck.. we're steering more into daydream territory here.. an F1 driver... a lead singer in a band (i cant sing at all i know, i am daydreaming here i said) or even an actress (Hollywood, 'course)...and the list goes on.
*sigh* back to reality now.. laundry's all done... it's the 2nd half of the game now, and still no goal from either team.... and i guess i'll probably continue my job for at least another 10 years or so (got bills to pay, loans to settle, and a girl's definitely gotta to eat ;)).
i can still dance tho.
and crouch just headed a goal for england.

chillin' in cameron

of course it's not chilly at all in cameron highlands. we're in malaysia! but it was definitely cooler up there. especially the time when we went last weekend. i was up there fr a 3 day-2 nite stay with 3 other friends and it rained evry evening, causing the temperature to drop nicely below 25 degrees! i was the designated driver for the trip, volunteered for the task actually, of course, and boy..was it really challenging. it's mostly all uphill and winding roads, with sharp turns..and the rain made it wet and slippery..ahh..this driver's heaven. hehe.
before going up cameron, we actually went up to ipoh and spent a night at my ol opah's house. the next day we left for taiping, for a friend's wedding. the wedding was actually the main agenda. because of this guy's wedding, we decided to make it into a slightly bigger trip and go somewhere for a short break from work and all. and we didnt really feel like going too far off so somehow or rather we chose cameron. it is just off the tapah exit, right on our way down from taiping to melaka.
so anyway, we had quite a relaxing time there altho there's not much up there actually. we went to the boh plantations (luv the drive up there!! tiny narrow road with sharper turns), cameron valley plantations, robinson waterfalls (the falls are nice but we were really disappointed with all the rubbish lying around there, really disguisting!), the MARDI gardens (took great pictures of the flowers there, really happy!), and the rest of the time was spent eating, drinking tea, tea and more tea (yes, many became constipated..hehe), running thru heavy rain, and of course shopping (women can shop anywhere i tell ya). the fresh flowers and vegetables were really tempting. 2 dozens of fresh roses cost only rm5!! and this on a mother's day weekend! now they even have these 'preserved' fresh flowers that they claim can last up to 5 years as long as we keep them dry. it's done by some preserving chemical thingy that they put into the plant that keeps them looking fresh for a long time. a really huge bouquet made up of different types of flowers (except roses..they cant do it on roses for some reason) costs rm10. so yeah, guess what the car was filled up with by the end of our stay there. flowers, strawberries (mostly dried, the fresh ones are still too sour to devour) and tea!
the nights, because of the rain and our car which for some reason refused to de-fog, making it impossible to drive at nite even by moi...were spent lounging in our sweaters in our hotel room. we actually went there expecting our reservations was made at a great acclaimed 4-star resort hotel but alas-we were quite disappointed. the 4-star claim was probably self-made. personally it seemed more 3-star if not less. oh well.
we left on monday, and by the way, most places there, including the boh plantation and MARDI, are closed on monday. on the way back, we stopped at the newly 'renovated' tapah PLUS r&r (well new to me.. i usually dont make stops when i drive up and down ipoh), then stopped again at seremban 2. we arrived in melaka at exactly midnite.
so all in all, i thought we had quite a relaxing time there. the best thing i would say was the company i had. we were a fun bunch, always laughing at/about sth every 5 mins..and for me..that's the best way to de-stress.

lang tengah getaway

it was truly a great mini holiday. me n my crazy gal-frens, jo and lo (once these guys gimme consent, i'll put in their real names-hehe). a long awaited getaway for me. i was so damn depressed from failing my exams yet again. being stuck at work made it more difficult cuz i was still surrounded by people who have passed it, and others who were planning to sit for it soon. i tell people i'm okay but dammit! i have sat for it 3 f***-n times and still failed! of course i'm not okay! how much more stupid u think it makes me feel?

anyway, i'm better now. there's more to life than these exams.
so we went to lang tengah, ..for those of u not familiar with terengganu, or didnt ace malaysian geography in school.. it's a small island just off terengganu, between the more famous redang and perhentian islands. well actually, people living IN terengganu AND scored A's in geography themselves thought lang tengah is an island off langkawi! way off on the other side. so,ok.

what did we do? snorkeling of course. our swimsuits never get to dry the whole 3 days we were on the island. we let ourselves loose in the great ocean. um-well, my friend jo actually let loose all her stomach contents into the ocean too (upwards i mean, as in puke la), which drew more fish to us! cant blame jo, it was just past the monsoon season, so most times the waters a bit choppy, a great challenge for those of us with unstable vestibular systems. we actually swam with the sharks too..no great whites, just black-tip ones, but was still kinda scary.there are supposed to be turtles around too, but we didnt get to see any.
i also get to take photos of the beautiful sunset, while my friends spent time "scrubbing" their skin with the white soft sands! it's a free facial/spa evryone!
nite-time was spent chatting over (many)cups of black coffee..with topics ranging from work n family,to gossips about other friends, the love-n-hate realationship(s) we have with the male species, school nostalgia, sex, movies, music, futsal, and back to the male species.
then it's off to the "tiki-bar" where we karaoke-d the rest of the nite away. i think the fact that the 3 of us were able to sing out evry friggin' song on the 80's-rock-kapak-karaoke cd gaveout our real age to people! hehe.
last, but definitely not the least, there were the "beach boys". tanned-lean-muscular. just like we like!hehe.

and before we know it, it was already time to go. back to mainland. back to reality. sigh.
but hey, we're going back of course. to swim with the sharks again. to make sure we see the turtles this time. and definitely .. the beach boys.

startup

ok. so i've now decided to blog here instead. used to do it at myspace but ppl have been complaining that it's difficult for them to log in there to read my blogs. anyway, seeing that this is gonna be a sorta honeymoon year for me, no exams nuthin, i'll try and blog more often.
it's already april 2006, but i'm starting a list of things to be done this year.

here are some of them, in random order:
1) buy new camera. my ol one's broken. my sis felt she's somewhat responsible for it, and i won't un-blame her-heheh-but i've had the camera for >2 yrs now, it had served me well, taken hundreds of photos with it, but there're a lotta new cameras in the market now, with better features for less the price (compared to 2 yrs ago), so i'm just glad for an xcuse to buy a new one.
2) buy new phone. this was supposed to be the plan for 2006, but i couldnt wait, and managed to come up with an excuse to buy one in december instead, just a week and a half before 2005 ended. heheh.
3) upgrade car. ok, by upgrade, i mean fixing the bad dent on the side of my kelisa, which has been there for 3 years now, and giving it a good wash, polish, or repainted, and maybe tint the windows, just enuff that other drivers cant see me talking or singing by myself in there, or picking my nose-i've seen this done by other oblivious drivers-and it REALLY looks disgusting ppl!. so far, i've managed to wash her once in january- my car i mean, not nose. i mean, i wash my nose evryday of course. i digress.
4) get a pet. this i've started. got 4 now actually-3 fish (Jac, Jack, Jaq) and a turtle (Azan). actually there were 3 turtles, but 2 (Brad n Angie) died from poor living conditions-i wil not blame myself for their deaths of course-
5) travel more. this is gonna be bit tricky, seeing i've used up ALL my leave days last year, what with the studying, my dad having to have a cardiac bypass done, my sis giving birth, and more studying...only to fail again and again..but that's a bummer of a story. save for next time. anyway, so i'm gonna have to plan my leave carefully this year.
just been to lang tengah recently, had superb time with 2 of most crazy girlfrens (will blog about that). locally, planning to go up north soon for a wedding, so mebbe stop somewhere on the way (any suggestions?)
plan to go bangkok again midyear, and then melbourne later this year. insyaAllah.
6) save up financially. again, no exams this year means more free time, less stress, and less money spent. the exams cost me thousands of precious ringgits last year. i should xplain why, but no need-lah. just take my word it did.
anyway, so far i've made 2 new financial investments. we'll see.
7) lose weight. o-boy. this is a toughie. it's been in my list for 3 yrs now. it's true you know. the older you get, the slower your metabolic rate. so far i'm only able to maintain my weight, but not lose any. of course i watch what i eat. i watch AND i eat. see, that's the problem. heheh. exercise routine is no routine at all for me..haha. o well.
8) watch more movies. um-no, scratch that. no problems there. i do that evry year anyway. it's a necessity.
8) read more.
9) draw more.
10) blog more.
11) less profanities. ok, those of you who've read my blogs in myspace probably know that this is sth i've included in my previous new year resolution list. for obvious reasons, it's still in for this year. it's be nice to have a list of just 10 items, but this being the 11 makes it a bit special..more like a moral value thingy. and it's not just the profanities, that's the least of my problems, believe me.. but i wont elaborate. this just represents a whole list of other personal things about me that i'd like to improve/change. so um, yeah, in general, i am trying to become a better human.

nuff for now.
i'll write in more (i.e. item 10)
welcome me!

-emie-